Carrie, Miranda, Samantha or Charlotte – Who are You Spirituality

In 1998 HBO put out a controversial, provocative, cutting edge, fun, funny  and sociological show called Sex and the City. This show ran until 2004 and throughout its six seasons the viewer and fans of it watched and journeyed with the four main characters of Carrie Bradshaw, Miranda Hobbs, Samantha Jones, and Charlotte York as these women and friends went through everything together and did life together. I think for me why I liked the show so much are for a few reasons. For one thing in 2006 when I discovered this show I very much related and connected to Charlotte York’s character due to, at the time, the recents events of my own life. Also my undergraduate background is sociology and the show explores, examines and presents many sociological perspective on a numerous topics in our culture.

Another reason for my love of this show from 2007 to 2017 I lived in New Hampshire which was 26 hours away from most of my friends and I lived vicariously through these four characters as women and friends. For me the best part of this show and the reason why I enjoy it so much is that in the show and when watching the show one sees 4 women who are all friends and yet each of the characters are totally different and unique individuals from all walks of life, backgrounds, with different perspectives and all on their own journey. Each of these unique and different women come together through the common ground of their friendship. The sociologist in me sees the parallels of this show and these four characters to life and the Christian walk and faith.

As you sit here and read this you are probably thinking just a second now hold on how could these four characters from a show on HBO have any common ground or parallel our faith. The answer can be found into two things first of all the answer is found one’s understanding of the make up of each of these characters and women. Its in our understanding of these women and friends that we can also see the journey that may lead someone to the Fatih and the first place. Moreover the journey that leads one to the faith often influences their own journey and walk of faith. The character Carrie Bradshaw is a columnist/ writer and she very witty and creative and has great fashion sense. It might could be said she and her journey is more of a bit of a free spirt and some what of a bohemian type.

In the show as you follow Carrie’s journey the viewer see her quest for true love. A case could be mad that Carrie is a person that is a seeker and on a quest and on her quest she may try all things and options before finding what she ultimately seeks. At the end of the show and her journey she finds comes to the end of her quest and finds what she seemed all along. Once she has reached the end of her quest and discovered what she was seeking she holds to it for dear life and never to let go again. It could be said that Carrie is true to the course and the quest. Once she finds what she seeks she is steadfast and never forsakes what she has discovered and found at the end of her journey. The parallel would be that as individuals some seek and go on a quest for the truth, the true answer, the one true faith and once they find it they hold to it for dear life, never to forsake or stray from their new found faith and belief in Jesus Christ.

I must confess that Miranda’s journey and point of view is so very much me to a tee I’m so similar to Miranda and I’ve even got the natural red hair to boot. Miranda in her journey is more like not so free spirit, very planned, rigid, and methodical. Miranda is also very Type A, perfectionist, OCD, logical, tough love and pragmatic. Professionally this makes sense she is an attorney. Miranda is of the point of view of skeptical she wants to be shown the evidence and prof. Although is a skeptic and wants to be shown the evidence once it has been proven to her she will move heaven and earth and not look back to stand on her belief and convictions.

In looking at the journey of Samantha she is the type of character and person that knows what she wants and goes for it and won’t settle either. Samatha is unsure if she believes and is more of the school of thought of taking and looking gout for self. If she is to consider any belief system she feels as if one should try all options before buying into to one particular system of beliefs. In her journey of trial and error once she has tested all these options and will come to conclusion that will be her choice of a brief system. This journey of trial and error that she has traveled has taken to the path of true Fatih and but only trail and error. Once she has discovered and reach the conclusion of believing and holding to the one true faith of Jesus Christ this is now what she now wants and she goes all in and all the way on this new journey of faith.

As Charlotte York travels on her own journey she is more from the point of view of being an optimistic and a true believer. Charlotte in the show never lost hope in true love and that she could find true love. Despite Charlotte’s struggles challenges and times in the valleys never wavered and lost the faith in her desire for true love and that she would find it. This is just as true for the believer traveling on their now faith journey. Once one has found the true answer of Jesus Christ and chosen the one true faith he or she never wavers in this belief in this one and true faith. They never forsake their beliefs, faith and convictions. That is not to say that there aren’t moments, days and seasons in the valleys as one travel along their journey of Fatih but just because they may walk in the valleys that doesn’t mean that at the core their belief, faith and convictions have to be shaken or waver. In fact it’s in these valleys when one feels shaken these very convictions, beliefs and faith steadies the one who is traveling through the valleys in their own journey. In holding to one’s faith and conviction it is often that is the very thing that brings one out on the other side standing firm and steady on the mountaintop in their journey.

     

In following these women and friends through their journey together, seeing who they are as characters and understanding how this can parallel our own lives and journey through our faith consider this. Who are we in our faith are we more like Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte or Samantha. For me and my own journey and faith I don’t see is as so cut and dry as I’m one or the other. We as individual people are complex being and life is rarely ever just about one or the other. More times than not life and is a mixture of things blended together. While I do see some of all these women and characters in me and my journey I can say there is a some dominant and more influential on my journey.

In my own journey I see that I have the influence of Carrie in that I’m creative in some ways and I’m a writer and have a great passion for my writing. I feel not so much as when I was younger but as I’ve gotten older I have seen more of an Samantha influence in my journey I know that i want and I go for it and when I’m done I’m done. I would say for me the two most dominate influence on me and my journey comes from Charlotte and Miranda. I often think and say I should have been lawyer and I the idea of the law and studying it. Actually most of the tv that I watch has to do with law, cop and detective shows and drama. Also I’m most definitely practical and logical, at times to my own determent, type A, OCD, and perfectionist. I want to see and be shown the whys, hows, reasons and base or evidence for something.

The Charlotte influence in me is my and her journey have been similar in many ways which how i got interested in the show to begin with.  Also I have always believed from a young age and have never wavered in my faith or belief at its core. That is not to say that I haven’t had my valleys, struggles and my moments of doubt in some aspects but never ever at the core of my Fatih and who Jesus and God is. In your own journey what parallels do you see to these four friends and characters. Who do you see that influences the journey through your faith and the type of walk of faith that you travel. Are you a Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, Samantha or more a blended mixture as you journey through your faith.

The second answer to how these four women and friends parallels our faith is that just as in the show these four unique and different individual women came together on the common ground of their friendship this is the same of us as believers. We are all special, different, unique and wonderfully made by our Creator. We are all different, have different backgrounds and we are all on our own unique and different journeys. No matter if you are a Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, Samantha, or a blended mixture, what your background is, where you came from, or how you came to the faith and your own journey before your faith and as you journey through your faith we still all have come to believe in Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. We can come together and be united by and on the common ground of our faith in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. May we all journey forward in our own walk and faith but knowing we travel this journey together as friends, sisters and brothers in Christ and followers of Christ. Let this always be the ground of commonality that we hold to and stay true as we gather at the table and fellowship in our common bond as we journey along in faith.

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Spirituality, Scripture and Our Culture

You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost it’s taste, how shall its saltiness be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown out and trampled under people’s feet. You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”

Matthew 5: 13 – 16

In looking at one’s faith and journey with God there is much for one to consider. We as individuals who are influenced by a wide and diversity of factors. Moreover our culture which is collectively made up by individuals is equally influenced by a large, diverse myriad of things. Some tings that influence us on our micro level and then collector influence our culture on a much larger macro scale can be one’s upbringing, childhood, family background and dynamics, economics, race, ethicenity, gender, and political views. Moreover often times these things are influenced by one’s own ideals, morals, principles, philosophies and beliefs which are often found or impacted by one’s faith and religion. These influential factors and components often times define us as individual and our identity. We individuals who are apart of our culture we each take our influential factors out into the world and our culture. Our culture is influenced by the collective influential factors of the group. In giving consideration to the places such influences have on us as individuals and on the collective culture there are a few questions that must be reflective upon. Where does spirituality and scripture fit into  our culture? Where does our culture fit into Scripture and one’s spirituality? How  do we as believers influence our culture and allow our culture to influence our own spirituality and journey of our faith.

These questions seem to be the crux and a large part of being a believer in this day and age in the world we live in. This issues and question of what place and influence of one’s culture a believer’s allow in his or her life and to what extent a believer will influence and have impact on his or her culture is at the core of one’s life and faith journey. For me I have debated this numerous times through out my own life and faith journey. I have come to different conclusions and understanding as I have journeyed forward in my life and faith. I have come to realize that this can be a most delicate and difficult balancing act for us as believers. It can be a constant battle and struggle to keep the balance of the scales of what and how we allow our culture to influence our life and to extent or to how we are able to be and influence and impact on our culture. These questions and considerations can be in the smallest to the largest ways and issues.

At times it seems that these issues and questions are most complicated. Some would say that we can have no part of this world and we most be totally separate to be able to set the example. Others would may argue and make the case no we have be in this world if we wish to influence it for how can we influence something if we are not in it. Some would argue middle ground and seek much balance. In seeking the balance some would look to the guidance and measure of cause not your brother to stumble in your choices and actions (I Cor. 8:13).  Then some voices would express the idea of the potential slippery slope and let not oneself be unbalance and be weighed down on the side of the scale that culture is influenced to the point of you no longer have a revealing and useful influential salt to the world.

In considering the matters of one’s faith one may ask how do I go about achieving this balanced scale between being in the world and not of the world. How do I influence my culture but yet not be swept away by the ways and influence of my culture. These are most relevant and valid considerations and questions worth reflecting upon and answering. I’m not an all knowing, don’t have all the answers or not perfect there are things in my life that I’m quite sure some would say is to much of the world influence in me. I can only present my observations and reflections upon the matters in which I present in this book. I can only speak for myself. That being said in my own life and faith journey this is the conclusion I have come to for me and my life.

For me there are several answers to these questions. First I think in all things, but revenant to this specifically, we can look to Jesus and His ultimate example. He was in this world on earth for 33 years but at no time or point was of or from this world. I and we can gain much from that in all things and matters of life and our faith journey. Another part of the answer for is that yes we are given this black and white command of being in this world but not of this world meaning we are to always point to others to God and, Jesus and the love and salvation of Jesus. However there is much gray in how we each go about that. When I say gray I do not mean to be wavering in one’s beliefs or to comprise on truth and God’s word. What I do mean by the gray in this black and white of this command is that we are all unique, special and different individuals and so how we are able to be salt, light and have influence on our culture is going to be unique and different from persons to to person either because of one’s gifts, talents and beliefs.

The other part of this is one must know his or hew own limits and stumbling blocks. If you know you have a certain area that is not good, healthy, positive or brings towards God then you may have to say this tipping the scale to the more worldly. What this is for one believer will not be the same for the another and vice versa. Then again what one believer can do and is comfortable with that cause him or her to stumble and not hinder his or her ability to be light and salt and have influence will equally not be the same form one to another. I know personally for me there have been a few things areas that I have changed my position on in my life and faith journey.

These are the areas of grayness, subjectivity and relatively that I meant that follows with in the common of being in the world but not of the world and of the question of are we influencing our culture or is our culture influencing us as believers. We must know ourselves, our limits, our own stumbling blocks and hinderances. As long as we are holding to the bottom lines and core components of our faith of John 3:16, the Christian Creed, the greatest and ten commands, things that are black and white with no room to debate then the rest is up to our own personal discernision and understanding of God and  the influence of His word on our lives and journey of faith. For me these are the answers to these questions of being in the world but not of the world and to determine if i’m having impact on my culture or if our culture is influencing me.

I look to these things to help me measure and wight my life, the influence of the world or me on the world and it’s place it has in my life and my journey of faith and how the scales of these matters are tipping in my life. May I always be mindful and watchful for the how the scales are tipping in my life and faith journey. May I always seek and strive to keep the right balance between being in this world and not of this world in my own life and my faith journey. May I always seek to be salt and light in this world and have influence on my culture. May we as believers all seek and strive to be the light and salt and have much influence on our culture through what we believe in Scripture  and because of our spirituality and faith and that we point our culture and world to the sources of our salt and light God and Jesus Christ are Lord and Savior.

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Launch Day: Take a Sip, Take a Breath and Go… A Journey Through Motherhood

Today is the day I’ve been waiting for and working towards. 

It’s official Launch Day. 

My book is on Amazon available for purchase. It’s in paperback. It’s also in ebook and the ebook is on free promotion. It is now free to download it and it will be on free promo for a couple of days. 
Check my book, let me know know your thoughts and comments by leaving a review. 
Reviews serve an important purpose it helps me know how I can help by better reaching my audience. It also helps get out and spread the word to others. Thus my story and message can be shared more. 
Feel free to share, share, share and spread the word near and far. Any shares and help wirh spreading the word and reviews would ge immensely ans profoundly helpful. I would be forever thankful. 
This book was possible because of Self Publishing School, Chandler Bolt, my coach Jed, Andrea Jackson who is responsible for the amazing cover, my amazing editor and formatter.  This also wouldnt be possible without your amazing help, support, love, kindness, generosity ans graciousness 
I’m truly deeply and profoundly grateful for the love and support of my book and me in my author journey. 💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
Take a Sip, Take a Breath and Go…: A Journey Through Motherhood https://www.amazon.com/dp/1687543771/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_DVZKDbNYZQZ4N
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Take a Sip, Take a Breath and Go… A Journey Through Motherhood

A good afternoon to you all hope everyone is having a Labor Day weekend.

This exciting, nervous, awesome and good scary all at the same time.

I can’t believe I’m finally at this point that I’m able to post this.

Announcement of Book Launch

My book, Take a Sip, Take a Breathe and Go… A Journey

Through Motherhood, is almost ready to launch, and I would be

thrilled to have you join me on this journey as apart of the launch team of this book.

Here are the book launch details:

• Title: Take a Sip, Take a Breath and Go….

Subtitle: A Journey Through Motherhood

Launch Date: on Tuesday October 1, 2019.

To join the launch, simply put, send me or enter your

name and email at the bottom of this post.

Finally write ‘I’m in!’ in the comments so I can thank you personally.

After joining the launch, you will immediately receive a PDF of the book.

Then simply read and leave a review sometime during the week of September 23

through October 1st. That’s all there is to it! 😊

My goal is to make this book launch as easy and fun as possible.

About the Book:

This book is about my own journey as a (at the time) a new mommy. In this book I have written my own experiences, discoveries, learned lessons and growth as a mommy. I written about things that I observed or gave me food for

thought as I was learning and growing as a mom. If you can relate to any of the above challenges in motherhood, then this would be a great book for you or any mother. I have experienced all of these struggles in my own journey as a mom. I also know the joy of experiencing, exploring, discovering, learning, and evolving form virginal mom to my own expert. It’s through exploring, discovering, learning and growing that you can evolve from a virginal mom to being a an expert for your babies and family. In the pages of this book I hop to offer you my fellow traveler who is on this journey a place of relaxation to be able to have the freedom to experience, explorer, discover and learn as you travel through your own journey as a mama.

Thank you again for checking out my latest book and cheering me on in this writing adventure. I sure appreciate you! 💜💜💜

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Launching of my book

A good evening everyone hope everyone is having a wonderful Labor Day.

I writing with a most exciting announcement. I have been on a new journey as an author and

I have found a clear path for all my writings. I’m very excited about it and this is the latest on my journey as an author. I have completed a manuscript and the whole process for turning my writing into a publishable book is almost complete. My goal is to be ready to launch and publish on October 1st. I’m beyond excited about being on this new journey as an author and where this new journey has lead me and my writing. This book is the first book in the series I’m writing on my journey as a mommy through motherhood. I’m also writing you to invite you to come with me on this journey of publishing my book. I would like to invite you to be a member of my team to launch this book.

If you would like to join me in this journey to launch my book and help share my message and book with others please send me your email or put it down below in the comments so that I can send you all the details as to how this process of being a member of a launch will work, about the book and the pdf version of the book. I thank you in advance for your generosity and willingness to come with me on this journey by being a part of this launch team for the publication of my book. I look forward to hearing from you real soon. Thanks again. 💜💜💜

Best Regards

Michaela S. Cox

nowisee779@yahoo.com

Launch Team Request:

Hello everyone,

My book, Take a Sip, Take a Breathe and Go… A Journey

Through Motherhood, is almost ready to launch, and I would be

thrilled to have you join me on this journey as apart of the launch team of this book.

Here are the book launch details:

• Title: Take a Sip, Take a Breath and Go….

Subtitle: A Journey Through Motherhood

Target Launch Date: on Tuesday October 1, 2019.

To join the launch, simply put, send me or enter your name and email at the bottom of this post.

Finally write ‘I’m in!’ in the comments so I can thank you personally.

After joining the launch, you will immediately receive a PDF of the book.

Then simply read and leave a review sometime during the week of September 23

through October 1st. That’s all there is to it!

My goal is to make this book launch as easy and fun as possible.

About the Book:

This book is about my own journey as a (at the time) a new mommy. In this book I have written my own experiences, discoveries, learned lessons and growth as a mommy. I written about things that I observed or gave me food for

thought as I was learning and growing as a mom. If you can relate to any of the above challenges in motherhood, then this would be a great book for you or any mother. I have experienced all of these struggles in my own journey as a mom. I also know the joy of experiencing, exploring, discovering, learning, and evolving form virginal mom to my own expert. It’s through exploring, discovering, learning and growing that you can evolve from a virginal mom to being a an expert for your babies and family. In the pages of this book I hop to offer you my fellow traveler who is on this journey a place of relaxation to be able to have the freedom to experience, explorer, discover and learn as you travel through your own journey as a mama.

Thank you again for checking out my latest book and cheering me on in this writing adventure. I sure appreciate you!

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Daring to always take my deep daily sips, breaths and keep traveling on this new journey

In 2010 when I first started on my journey through motherhood with the birth of my precious baby girl I started my journey of learning, growing, evolving, discovering hat is was to be a mommy, what it was to be a mommy of two precious babies and now as a solo mommy. I have traveled along my mommy journey from being a virginal mommy to becoming a an expert mommy for my babies back to being a virginal solo mommy. I’ve seen how I and my journey as a mama has evolved through all new parts of my journey through motherhood. There have been countless valley mommy moments and many mountaintop mommy moments. I hope as my journey continues and in 13 years as I reach the finish line of this marathon of motherhood/parenting I can say I have had more mountaintop mommy monomers than moments in my mommy valleys. Along my journey through motherhood I have learned the value in taking sips, taking breaths and going forward traveling through my own motherhood/ parenting.

Each part of my journey through motherhood has brought new lessons to be learned, more knowledge gained, things experienced and discovered, new growth and my continual evolution process as a mama. This is was true with my entrance into motherhood in 2010. This was equally true when I became a mama of two precious babies in 2013. More than ever or imagined this is beyond a doubt true of my continuing traveling my journey as solo mama and widow fooling the loss of my beloved John in April 2017. All throughout my journey through my motherhood I have learned and discover the value of taking sips, taking my breathes so I could go forward giving and putting the best version of myself as a women, wife, now widow, and mommy forward for my family and my babies. In the new part o my journey there is has never been a time where the importance and value of taking my sips, breathes and as I go continue traveling has been more evidence and valuable. Whether or not I wanted to or chose to do so on this current journey of mien life has almost made it or forced me where i had no other choice but to take my sips, and breaths and ensured there is time, attention I give to myself and I allow myself much grace in my daily life and journey.

I always knew and saw the value in this ideas for myself as I want to strive and do my very best for my family and babies but now more than ever I know in doing so is a matter of my very surveil as a solo mama and widow. For one thing is that fact that i’m solo so its me and me along doing this journey and if I can’t or not able then that’s just not good. Therefore to ensure for my babies that I’m able and can do what I have to do as a solo mama I must take time for me and care for myself if not for me but atlas for my babies. Moreover though because of it just being me and me alone as a widow and solo mama and the profound, immense, immeasurable weight that comes from carrying this new load in and of itself demands much self care and grace to be given to oneself. I don’t think one can survive traveling this journey if they don’t attend to or they ignore their self care needs and not allow themselves much or endless grace along the way of this journey of widowhood and or solo/ single parenting/ motherhood.

As I travel my new journey of widowhood and being a solo mama ,though I’m still finding my way, don’t know much and don’t have the answers, my ability to continue to travel this path is because I have given myself grace and taken time for myself. No matter how well or poorly I may be traveling this new path and whether I wanted to, chose or was made to take the time for myself it has made this most impossible, overwhelming, profound load and journey at least manageable to the point where i can mange the daily life of being a solo mama and widow. It has made that while I may feel in my heart and in my head think I can’t do this and I will surely subsume to the weight of this load and will surely be pulled under by the crashing swirling whirling waves of this oceans I’m staving to swim in that I’m still treading in place and so far not drowned yet. Usually when I feel as Im now at the point of being pulled under it is at the point when most needed I’m given a prevue and breaks in the force of the tide in my ocean. Thus if no other point and now more than ever I know I must always and forever take my sips, take deep breathes and strive to continue traveling on this journey as a solo mama and widow. Maybe these sips, deep breathes will ultimately being my saving grace that allows me to reach the shore and finally come the finish line of my marathon of solo parenting. If I know nothing else at this point in my journey is that I must take my sips and deep breathes so that I can be the very best for my babies and I can continue to travel this journey I’m on even if it is to only tread these waves. My hope is that one day I will be able to swim and surf through these waves of my ocean to make it to shore of my new journey.

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My Daily Double Edge Swords

In life, in philosophy and in theology there is the idea, concept, theory, paradigm of dualistic nature to things and life. There is a sense of duality and there is a belief system of dualism. What does this all really mean well in each to these areas life itself, philosophy and theology the context of dual, duality or dualism have their own definition and point of relevance and the way in which this concept relates to these areas or spheres of thought. To understand what that all means in any sphere or school of thought or area of life one must break this down to its most basic level. Any of these words related to duo, dual, duality, and dualism at it’s very core implies the idea of two, two thoughts, two components, two aspects, two parts, tow characteristics, two sides etc. There is much in life and and many times when it is is said that it can’t just be one thing. Another expression comes to mind is the idea of a double edge sword. I have always thought this meant that a sword with two or double edges could be used both or two ways.

Since beginning to travel through my journey as a solo mommy I come to truly understand what is meant by a double edge sword. Moreover as I continue to travel this journey it seems that every where I turn, look or go I find double edge swords everywhere and that I’m completely surrounded to the point of being trapped by all the double edge swords that are too many to even try to count. It seems that in every aspect of every part of this new journey as a solo mommy there are only double edge swords to be found no matter where I go or turn. Just the idea that I’m breathing and keep doing so and my beloved seems to have a double edge to it never mind everything else. I mean there is a double edge sword in that we are continuing on without him, in the fact that this is now and forever my and my babies realities, life and world. We are all here without him. Everything is tainted and brushed with a brush that gives a hint of a shadow of bitterness even in the sweetest of sweetest moments and things because he is no longer with us to see, know and experience with these moments with us. After April 4, 2017 when my daughter was 6 and almost 8 months and my son was 3 and almost 8 months there will never ever be another second of time that they will have with their Daddy and or I with my beloved John. I know and dread the day that will come that each of our babies can say at that point they will have lived the same amount of time that they had with their daddy that they will now have without him at that point. For my daughter she will be 13 and 4 months and my son will be 7 and 4 months We never ever breathe another second on this east that the breathe we take is taken with John with and besides as we continue to journey in this life.

The list moments that are now forever tainted by this brush that creates the endless double edge swords seems escrueacting painful to the point that I can’t breathe. These profoundly present and prevalence of these double edge swords that are in our lives now is paluaplate and undeniable. There will be never eve be another day that is touched by his presence. I and our babies will never see, hear, feel, touch, hold him again. We will never hear his voice or laugher again. We will never see his smile, his eyes and face again. My babies will never hear I love you and good night babies again or get to say we love you daddy and good night and no more bed time stores with their daddy. This is new reality is equally present in the smallest of moments to the largest and most noticeable moments and days. My son just had his first school field trip and it was m and my dad that went not John not of this is right or feels right yet at the same time my son was happy but it was bittersweet for me and hard. My kids will never had another first day of school with John, never another halloween, never another Veterans day, never another Thanksgiving, never another Christmas with him or get or give another present to or from Him, never another birthday with their daddy or to have their daddy celebrate their birthday. Memorial day will forever have and mean something totally different on a while new level. There will be parties, graduations, other celebrations, mile stones, new chapters and experiences, weddings, hopefully having babies without him and if babies that will never know their grandfather or have memory of him. There is no end to this be the caee and there is no mark to say well that’s done now this is a forever thing and will be with m and babies until we go on our own way to be reunited when we go Home.

I and my babies will live the remaindered of our lives without him, not having John be apart of our lives or us of his and sharing another moment together. With every breathing moment we have and take is a moment filled with another double edge sword of being tainted by the lost of our beloved John and daddy. Seeking the joy in these moments can be found but it is forever tainted and fleeting
by the reality of him being gone from us forever and the reality of our lives without him in our lives. I know the only thing that I and our babies can do is go on continuing to travel this new journey and do our very best with each moment we travel. John would want nothing less or else for us but the truth and knowledge doesn’t change the reality of what it is to live a life without him and striving to continue to travel on. Moreover it doesn’t remove the countless, constant and continual double edge swords we find as we strive to live and travel our new journey of life without him. I think as the widow and solo mommy I know, feel, see, understand and experience the profound depth, weight and burden of these double edge swords more frequently, even constantly and on much more deeper level than do my babies due at this point in their own journey. In away for now maybe that is a hidden blessing but I fear the day that it will no longer be a blessing for them and they will come to the same realization that I have had sea know and will forever have and know. That in and of itself is a double edge sword.
How do I and at some point my babies fight my and their way through these double edge swords that I and they will be surrounded by. I wish at this point in my journey as a widow and solo parent I wish I had the answer. I don’t know how to fight these double edge swords but I do know that all I can to is continue on traveling this journey and striving to do my best for my beloved John and our babies. I guess the best I can hope for is that one that is enough and that in doing so I will find what I seek on my journey as a widow and solo mommy.

 

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Defining what is to be enough

The idea and question of what is enough and what it is to be enough has been a constant and continual unescapable theme, idea and question all through out my own life as long as I can remember. Equally the answer to this question and defining this for me and my life has constantly and continually has eluded me, has been a unsolved mystery, and an undiscovered treasure. There have been a diverse and myriad reasons as to why this idea and question have plagued me and my life While at least in my adult life intelligently I know that this not the truth of my life but emotionally is another matter for I have found unfortunately these two aspects of life often doesn’t concede or match up. In my life this being born into to this world totally blind, although still visually impaired /legally blind, I was healed at 7 months old. I have a had a life time of dealing with my disability that created endless questions as to if I was enough or not. Throughout most of my life while growing up having constant isssues socially and making friends. Then in my first marriage I wonder if i was enough as a wife and woman. Then as I embarked on my journey through motherhood in 2010 and then again in 2013 with the births of my daughter and then son. I have along my journey as a mama have more than I could say and times I count when I wondered and worried obsessively if I was enough as a mom and for my babies. I would be willing to wager a bet that all of us as women and mamas have for sure and thus I’m not along in my wondering and search for the answer to this question of Am I enough.

I mention the areas of my life experience that have created this question of whether or not I’m enough to demonstrate that I absolutely and completely get the need, search and desire to know the answer to this question for I have been facing it my whole life. This is no less the true for me in motherhood for I have found this to be very much relevant and true for me and I think most of us mamas if being honest with ourselves would say yes this has been something we all have had dealt with. I think if I listed all the ways that this question of being enough has influenced me and more so as a mama that could be a book in and of itself. For me I have wondered is how I’m raising, teaching, displacing and training by babies is enough. Am I loving and nourishing my babies enough. Am I treasuring and cherishing my babies well and enough. I struggle with know if I am spending enough time with them and in that the time I spend my babies is enough quality time not just empty quantity of time. Are the choices in make daily in all areas of my motherhood enough of the right and best choices for my daughter and son. As. Mama I wonder am I striking the right balance and keep the balance well enough that is best for my babies and my family. Am I striking the right balance of what my babies and family in relation to what I need. At the end of my journey of being a mama will the tip of my motherhood scale show the right balance and that it and I was in fact enough for my babies and family.

In my new and current journey in life and motherhood this is the newest areas and way that this question haunts me. I thought when I was a mama before while parenting with my partner, my babies daddy and love of my life that this was overwhelming and something to dealt with being a enough or not. Worrying about being enough before is nothing compared to my constant, continual and obsessive fear and worry over now being enough as a solo mommy for my babies. This question as to whether or not I’m enough as a solo parent and a mommy for my babies creates numerous other questions that I desperately seek and search for the answers. After becoming a widow and a solo mom at 38 and loosing my beloved John and my precious babies daddy I have had of face things and aspects of life and motherhood I never thought would be part of my reality, picture and world. I have to wonder if I can do this solo parenting thing and carry it all on my own.

I wonder can I raise a daughter into the women of God she is suppose to be and how to be a loving wife and mother with the unfilled whole of not having her father and living with the missing piece in her heart and life. I wonder even more so with my son how I will raise my son to become the man of God he is suppose be and how to be a loving husband and father with the unfilled whole of not having his father and living with the missing piece of his heart and life. Will what I teach, demonstrate, train and do in my displacing of my babies be enough. The time and the quality of time I have now with my babies is that truly enough now that its just me. I wonder how could it be there is just a much do in the same amount of time limits as before just now there is just one of me to do it and thus it feels so much form because it’s just me now. Will how I nourish, love and care for my babies be enough and now more than ever be enough to compensate for the loss of the love of their father. More than ever will my choices he the right and best ones and will they be enough to carry this family. I feel more times than not that these constant, continual obsessive wondering of my heart and mine are endlessly whirling and whirling that will consume me. At the end of my journey of being a mama no more so as a solo mama will the tip of my motherhood scale show the right balance and that it and I was in fact enough for my babies and family.

I’m the absolute first to admit I don’t have the answers and for sure I don’t know if I’m a enough and I know I’m desperate to know. I may not have the answers I seek but maybe I can learn to find the answer in certain things. My thought process currently is telling that the way for me to help seek the answer to whether or not I’m enough as a solo parent is to similar to what I did in the past in my journey as a mommy. I have discussed this previously in past chapters and books. I have discussed that in my earlier part of my journey as a mama when I was more virginal that as I would learn, grow and discover more as a mama that I would become look to my victories and mommy mountaintop moments to help me remember what I can to and take reassurance in those things and lessons learned whine I was waling through more virginal mommy territory and my mommy valleys. Maybe, even thought it feels that the stakes are incredibly and profoundly higher now and that I feel as I’m a virgin all over agin, I can do the same here as a solo mommy. Maybe I can look to the areas that I feel have gotten right, had courage, and made the right and best choice. For I also keep a list and journal of what I call my new parental positives and a list of what I know admits all the uncertainty I feel daily. When I’m find myself struggling I review my list and journal and that tells me that while I may not know all the answers, have it all figured out or feel certain of much but at least there is examples, proof and evidence of my small, slow and steady progress, growth and ability not just as a mom but now as a mom who is now journeying through most new, unexpected and profoundly uncertainty as a widow and mama solo.

Could it be that with each thing, step and choice no matter how incredibly minuscule or gigantic it may be a move or step in the direction towards gaining more experience, confidence and certainty in my ability and experience as a now a solo mama. Could these things be helping become less virginal as a solo parent. If I reflect on my small or large moments of victory and success on my mommy mountaintop as then maybe that is what will help in my moments in the valleys of my journey as a solo mommy. Is the answer to whether I’m enough or not is it to be found in these new things, steps and choices I make that this the key to carry me along my journey from being virginal and uncertain to a place in my journey of feeling certain, confident, experienced, and now an expert in my journey as solo mommy. If I can take, strength, courage, encouragement, in these tiny or large moments of victory and success then may I will fine the certainty and answers I seek. May I discover the knowledge and belief that yes I am in fact enough for myself, my babies, my family and as a mommy who now travels this journey solo.
May I strive to continue grow, learn and discover more that will lead to being more experienced, certain and confident as solo mommy. May I equally become less virgianal, more experienced and the ultimate expert as a solo parent raising my babes. In my growth, gained knowledge, experience and confidence may I discover that the answer to my question is that yes in fact I’m the expert and that I’m certain that I’ found enough for myself, my babies and family as I continue to travel my journey as a solo parent.

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I’m pulling double, triple and all duty

 

I think for most people one of the very worse things is when working at a job and then all the sudden your boss saids oh by the way you are now going to be doing this too and on top of what that person is already doing. There is nothing more overwhelming, stressful, challenging and difficult than to have to play double duty or in some cases triple or even multiple duty beyond double or triple. I mean it’s like there is only so much of one person and only some much to do stuff and have the work be done in. I know me I’m always saying to my babies mommy is only one person and that I’m not an octopus with 8 arms and 5 hands. I mean having to do and pull double duty is just next to impossible to do and actually how reasonable of an exception is it rally to expect of one person when each of is in confined to the limits of only 24 hours in a day. I think everyone feels like this at some point in not majority of the time in our overwhelming crammed full busy lives. I do wonder if the case can be made that this is even more so true for us as women and as mama. In motherhood/ parenthood I’m not sure it there is a word to define. How many duties are done and pulled my mamas/parents all still within the same 24 hour day.

Eight years ago I started my journey as a mama into motherhood and I quickly became aware of my new duties and all the hats I now wore and had to juggle. I mean before becoming a mama my life and most lives before children are pretty much simpler, easier and much less complicated. I mean with less lives to be responsible for there is just less be in charge of and fewer obligations. Do any of us remember what our lives were like before traveling into the journey of motherhood. For me it was just me and my husband we did what we wanted, when we wanted as we pleased. We went about our business living in New Hampshire after we got married. We went to school and he had his military job and duties and we enjoyed our time together always. In June of 2009 his military job become active and full time for the state of New Hampshire that had more to his plate and ours. I was down with school so I worked retail. Things were pretty much freer, less busy, more flexible and we just enjoyed each other and doing life together. Since 2010 and becoming a mama and for the first almost 7 years of being a mama
life for me and my husband was much the same in the sense military, work, school and we always enjoyed our life and time together. The only and many difference is our time was less and our lives were much, much busier with the fullness of being parents to our daughter and then son in 2013. My plate in my days of the life of being a now mama got much fuller, over loaded and busier especially when I was crazy enough to think it was a great idea to add the responsibilities of graduate school to my plate.

In April of 2017 when my life and journey as a mama changed forever in one split second by a major curve ball and plot twist in my and babies lives I realized how naive I had been on so many countless levels. The idea of having to pull double duty as a mama would now and forever be on a whole entirely new playing level. In motherhood parenthood as a single /solo parent I think this aspect of having to do or pull double duty is the absolute most hard, difficult and challenging single aspect of single mothering/parenting. I know for me as I started out on and have been traveling my new journey of being a widow and solo mommy this is without a doubt the hardest, most difficult and challenging thing I’ve had to do and adjust to next to being a widow, the loss of my beloved husband, grieving the loss of him and adjusting to life after losing John. Also as I travel my new journey as a single /solo after losing my beloved John my awareness of all my new and added duties to be pulled on my own as a widow and single/ solo mommy. My new journey has brought an entirely new and completely different definition and level of meaning as to what it is to pull double duty or whatever the term would be to define my new role and all that I now have to do. I guess it could be called or labeled in single/ solo parenting everything duty all the time.

I had asked previously if we remember what our lives looked like before becoming mamas. I do and I know what my life looked like when I was a mama and had the absolute very best partner to do parenting and life with hand in hand side by side in love. I never wanted to journey through life without him. Also I’m more than painfully aware of my life now consist of. I work beyond hard to do what I have to do and keep continuing on with my babies but mine and their live is nothing like what we had with our beloved John and daddy and never will be again. For me as now and forever more a solo parent I do my usual with the kids as I have done for the last eight years the one major difference which is everything is I’m doing it solo on my won with no partner, no husband, no backing, no support of a loving husband or daddy. At the end of my day in the life of a mommy who i now pulling not just double or even triple duty but everything duty all the time after my babies are in bed my beloved John isn’t here. I don’t have hime to say talk about how good or bad this day was, what awesome had or great things happened or have some to listen o my thoughts on any and everything and tell me you got this it will be fine, you doing great my love. He is no longer here to say relax, have drink. Which is way of saying babe you’re fine relax and breathe all is good. Now I just watch my tv either what is scheduled, catch up on DVR or what I would do without Netflix. I try to work on stuff what watching to much tv and unwind and decompress from my days as now solo mama. I try to stay out of my head but that usually is devastating an epic fail and any and everything comes flooding into my brain. It is this time of day when I finished my mommy overwhelming, overloaded plate of everything that I process and obsess over my overwhelming, overloaded, over completed my life’s plate of entangled life spaghetti before I collapse into bed only to start this all over the next day as a solo mama.

As I continue to travel through my journey of solo parenting and continue to adjust to this new aspect of my motherhood I have to wonder how does one keep traveling as solo parent and shoulder or carry this overwhelming extra and new load of doing everything all the time on my own forever more. I mean as I write this my daughter is 8 and my son is 5 so I have good 13 years left until they will be both 21 and 18. This feels as if am I now having to travel and run the longest ever marathon entirely on my own with endless terrain or ground to cover and left to go before reaching the parenting/motherhood finish line. There is much that I wonder, worry and obsess about and feel anxious over. During my days of solo parenting I can’t let myself stop and think about these things but at night as I watch my DVR or Netflix this is when I’m rendered a slave to and are at the mercy of my mental and emotional obsessive entanglements. I’m not here to say I have all the answers and never had them especially now more that ever before but I’m striving and trying to find my way in my new journey as a solo mommy and widow and just in life in general. All I know to do is just continue traveling and as I travel I seek the answers to my endless obsessive questions and entangled plate of spaghetti. I will also strive to do my best and be here always for my babies maybe a solo mama or mommies persons that is all that matters and what counts. Ask me in 13 years when I have ran my marathon of solo parenting and have crossed my finish line of my journey of solo parenting how I think it went what the answers are to this thing we call motherhood/ parenthood and even more so when it’s done solo. Time will only tell may all of us as solo/single parents reach our own finish lines in our own marathons. Let’s agree to run are best race ever and hope to see it through to the end and make to the finish line.

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TGICT – Closing TIme finally for this MaMa

“Closing Time” By: Semisonic

“One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here”

The idea of closing time or close up shop has certain implications, meaning and conniptions. It is understood by most if not by all that the idea of closing time is that it’s time to be done for the day. It’s time to finish up and wrap it up. Whoever was working gets to quit for the day, no longer is on the clock and gets to home. I think the best example of this a bar that it’s closing time and you got to go home now. There is a song in pop culture called by “Closing Time” by Semisonic that embodies this idea most explicitly and very well. Whenever somewhere closes a customer must leave and go they don’t care and is of no concern to them as to where that customer may go as long as the are there and leave. You are most likely at this point scratching your head and going okay where is this going and what does this have anything to do with motherhood /parenting. Well, answer me this what are you saying or at least thinking when bedtime finally at lasts rolls round. Maybe the expression shouldn’t be TGIF but TGICT thank goodness it’s closing time for this mama.

I can’t speak for everyone but I can speak for myself and I’m most definitely thinking thank goodness I’m free at least. I’m giving thanks to the heavens be I’m off the clock and the day is done. I’m ladies I don’t know about you but by the end of my easily 15 – 17 day that starts at 6am and goes to easy 10 – 11:30 pm there are no words the extent and degree of my beyond exhaustion. I mean who won’t be totally beyond ready for closing time at the end of long days such as these. My days are busy and filled with much as days in the live of being a mommy are. I know for me it’s the typical, get up, get ready for school morning routine, get out the door, workout, breakfast, shower, work, write, edit, phone calls, appointments and some chores. Then it’s on to the after school schedule, get kids, snacks, homework, maybe play dates, activities, dinnertime and on Wednesday church. Then it’s the night /bed routine of story time, family chat time, chore charts, pj’s and brush teeth and night time snuggles and prayers. I don’t know about you I don’t need anymore added in my days and how could I where would I put. How I or any of us not be totally ready for the closing time of our mommies days. Then lets’s add the forever, constant, continual and permanent, never ending added bonus aspect and dynamic oh yes it’s just me doing this all solo I only and alone all day everyday. I must bear this load as I travel this journey of solo parenting in my motherhood

In the past my husband and I always believed in and held to the value and immense importance of set and early bedtimes for our babies for so many reasons. It is good for all members of the family the babies and for the adults. Set bed time schedule helps with structure for kids. It also allows for time for adequate and much need to sleep for little bodies to get good rest so they grow and be healthy. As far as the adults are concerned, at least how my husband and I saw it, it give much needed time to do our own stuff, relax together and get much, much immensely valuable time for us as husband and wife. I treasured and cherished that time that John and I would have together at the end of the day after work and kids and all that we had crammed into our days. We didn’t sacrifice that for nothing. We never cared how we spent it just that we getting to spend time together and getting to be together.

As much as this was true that John and I believed in and valued early bedtime and TGICT and we had our time together after long days for myself I’m
truly come to appreciate just how totally, completely immensely more the value of this idea and that TGICT for this solo mana and widow. In my journey as a widow and solo mama the case could made that now its a most vital, essential, critical life line of sanity if not more so now more than ever. When this mama’s closing time comes it allows for me to wind down, relax, just chill out after my jammed packed busy days as a widow and solo mama. Closing time give me much needed space, quite and alone time to just be and do whatever. The first part of my journey as a new widow and solo mama following John’s passing in 2017 really until this last August 2018 just a few months ago I had no timer space for myself . From April 4, 20217 – August 15, 2018 my life has been consumed with doing any and everything that comes after losing someone. For the last 16 months there was no time for me, for myself and to have space to just be. I had no time to just stop, breathe, take my sips and breaks and just to try to figure me, my new life, reality and journey out. I’m still working on that part and work in progress I hope. So yes absolutely this mama needs her space and quite when closing time comes for my days as solo mama. I’m for sure without a doubt TGICT for me solo mama.

When my day is done, I’m off the clock, and it’s my own TGICT which is scared time for me in my day. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love being a mama and love my most amazing precious babies who I treasure and cherish more than words or that I could eve say. At times I think I’m bad for saying these things or feel a tiny ounce of quilt but then I realize the truth of the matter. The truth is for this mama is that my time and space it get once it’s closing time is one of my main daily small and simple saving graces. This tine after closing time is what helps me keep my balance, center, focus and my sanity. It keeps me for getting off balance, spinning out of orbit, and going insane. I always say when mama is sane everybody is sane. I guess for me this can be put in the catorogy of severing the greater good of everyone or at least my family. Also for me it’s like I’m really doing everyone a favor and a service by attending to my self care needs in getting my time and space after this solo mama’s closing time. More than ever before I must keep my balance, stay in smooth orbit, stay focused and protected my priceless and precious sanity. The way I know to do that fro me is to absolutely always take my sips, my breaths, my breaks, put my feet up and relax most especially after a long day and when it’s closing time for this solo mama. I have to more than ever before strive to do and give my absolute very best to my babies and may I always do so. This mama is always enjoys, loves and thankful for her closing time. Let it always be said Thank goodness its Closing Time for this MaMa.

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