Daring to always take my deep daily sips, breaths and keep traveling on this new journey

In 2010 when I first started on my journey through motherhood with the birth of my precious baby girl I started my journey of learning, growing, evolving, discovering hat is was to be a mommy, what it was to be a mommy of two precious babies and now as a solo mommy. I have traveled along my mommy journey from being a virginal mommy to becoming a an expert mommy for my babies back to being a virginal solo mommy. I’ve seen how I and my journey as a mama has evolved through all new parts of my journey through motherhood. There have been countless valley mommy moments and many mountaintop mommy moments. I hope as my journey continues and in 13 years as I reach the finish line of this marathon of motherhood/parenting I can say I have had more mountaintop mommy monomers than moments in my mommy valleys. Along my journey through motherhood I have learned the value in taking sips, taking breaths and going forward traveling through my own motherhood/ parenting.

Each part of my journey through motherhood has brought new lessons to be learned, more knowledge gained, things experienced and discovered, new growth and my continual evolution process as a mama. This is was true with my entrance into motherhood in 2010. This was equally true when I became a mama of two precious babies in 2013. More than ever or imagined this is beyond a doubt true of my continuing traveling my journey as solo mama and widow fooling the loss of my beloved John in April 2017. All throughout my journey through my motherhood I have learned and discover the value of taking sips, taking my breathes so I could go forward giving and putting the best version of myself as a women, wife, now widow, and mommy forward for my family and my babies. In the new part o my journey there is has never been a time where the importance and value of taking my sips, breathes and as I go continue traveling has been more evidence and valuable. Whether or not I wanted to or chose to do so on this current journey of mien life has almost made it or forced me where i had no other choice but to take my sips, and breaths and ensured there is time, attention I give to myself and I allow myself much grace in my daily life and journey.

I always knew and saw the value in this ideas for myself as I want to strive and do my very best for my family and babies but now more than ever I know in doing so is a matter of my very surveil as a solo mama and widow. For one thing is that fact that i’m solo so its me and me along doing this journey and if I can’t or not able then that’s just not good. Therefore to ensure for my babies that I’m able and can do what I have to do as a solo mama I must take time for me and care for myself if not for me but atlas for my babies. Moreover though because of it just being me and me alone as a widow and solo mama and the profound, immense, immeasurable weight that comes from carrying this new load in and of itself demands much self care and grace to be given to oneself. I don’t think one can survive traveling this journey if they don’t attend to or they ignore their self care needs and not allow themselves much or endless grace along the way of this journey of widowhood and or solo/ single parenting/ motherhood.

As I travel my new journey of widowhood and being a solo mama ,though I’m still finding my way, don’t know much and don’t have the answers, my ability to continue to travel this path is because I have given myself grace and taken time for myself. No matter how well or poorly I may be traveling this new path and whether I wanted to, chose or was made to take the time for myself it has made this most impossible, overwhelming, profound load and journey at least manageable to the point where i can mange the daily life of being a solo mama and widow. It has made that while I may feel in my heart and in my head think I can’t do this and I will surely subsume to the weight of this load and will surely be pulled under by the crashing swirling whirling waves of this oceans I’m staving to swim in that I’m still treading in place and so far not drowned yet. Usually when I feel as Im now at the point of being pulled under it is at the point when most needed I’m given a prevue and breaks in the force of the tide in my ocean. Thus if no other point and now more than ever I know I must always and forever take my sips, take deep breathes and strive to continue traveling on this journey as a solo mama and widow. Maybe these sips, deep breathes will ultimately being my saving grace that allows me to reach the shore and finally come the finish line of my marathon of solo parenting. If I know nothing else at this point in my journey is that I must take my sips and deep breathes so that I can be the very best for my babies and I can continue to travel this journey I’m on even if it is to only tread these waves. My hope is that one day I will be able to swim and surf through these waves of my ocean to make it to shore of my new journey.

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My Daily Double Edge Swords

In life, in philosophy and in theology there is the idea, concept, theory, paradigm of dualistic nature to things and life. There is a sense of duality and there is a belief system of dualism. What does this all really mean well in each to these areas life itself, philosophy and theology the context of dual, duality or dualism have their own definition and point of relevance and the way in which this concept relates to these areas or spheres of thought. To understand what that all means in any sphere or school of thought or area of life one must break this down to its most basic level. Any of these words related to duo, dual, duality, and dualism at it’s very core implies the idea of two, two thoughts, two components, two aspects, two parts, tow characteristics, two sides etc. There is much in life and and many times when it is is said that it can’t just be one thing. Another expression comes to mind is the idea of a double edge sword. I have always thought this meant that a sword with two or double edges could be used both or two ways.

Since beginning to travel through my journey as a solo mommy I come to truly understand what is meant by a double edge sword. Moreover as I continue to travel this journey it seems that every where I turn, look or go I find double edge swords everywhere and that I’m completely surrounded to the point of being trapped by all the double edge swords that are too many to even try to count. It seems that in every aspect of every part of this new journey as a solo mommy there are only double edge swords to be found no matter where I go or turn. Just the idea that I’m breathing and keep doing so and my beloved seems to have a double edge to it never mind everything else. I mean there is a double edge sword in that we are continuing on without him, in the fact that this is now and forever my and my babies realities, life and world. We are all here without him. Everything is tainted and brushed with a brush that gives a hint of a shadow of bitterness even in the sweetest of sweetest moments and things because he is no longer with us to see, know and experience with these moments with us. After April 4, 2017 when my daughter was 6 and almost 8 months and my son was 3 and almost 8 months there will never ever be another second of time that they will have with their Daddy and or I with my beloved John. I know and dread the day that will come that each of our babies can say at that point they will have lived the same amount of time that they had with their daddy that they will now have without him at that point. For my daughter she will be 13 and 4 months and my son will be 7 and 4 months We never ever breathe another second on this east that the breathe we take is taken with John with and besides as we continue to journey in this life.

The list moments that are now forever tainted by this brush that creates the endless double edge swords seems escrueacting painful to the point that I can’t breathe. These profoundly present and prevalence of these double edge swords that are in our lives now is paluaplate and undeniable. There will be never eve be another day that is touched by his presence. I and our babies will never see, hear, feel, touch, hold him again. We will never hear his voice or laugher again. We will never see his smile, his eyes and face again. My babies will never hear I love you and good night babies again or get to say we love you daddy and good night and no more bed time stores with their daddy. This is new reality is equally present in the smallest of moments to the largest and most noticeable moments and days. My son just had his first school field trip and it was m and my dad that went not John not of this is right or feels right yet at the same time my son was happy but it was bittersweet for me and hard. My kids will never had another first day of school with John, never another halloween, never another Veterans day, never another Thanksgiving, never another Christmas with him or get or give another present to or from Him, never another birthday with their daddy or to have their daddy celebrate their birthday. Memorial day will forever have and mean something totally different on a while new level. There will be parties, graduations, other celebrations, mile stones, new chapters and experiences, weddings, hopefully having babies without him and if babies that will never know their grandfather or have memory of him. There is no end to this be the caee and there is no mark to say well that’s done now this is a forever thing and will be with m and babies until we go on our own way to be reunited when we go Home.

I and my babies will live the remaindered of our lives without him, not having John be apart of our lives or us of his and sharing another moment together. With every breathing moment we have and take is a moment filled with another double edge sword of being tainted by the lost of our beloved John and daddy. Seeking the joy in these moments can be found but it is forever tainted and fleeting
by the reality of him being gone from us forever and the reality of our lives without him in our lives. I know the only thing that I and our babies can do is go on continuing to travel this new journey and do our very best with each moment we travel. John would want nothing less or else for us but the truth and knowledge doesn’t change the reality of what it is to live a life without him and striving to continue to travel on. Moreover it doesn’t remove the countless, constant and continual double edge swords we find as we strive to live and travel our new journey of life without him. I think as the widow and solo mommy I know, feel, see, understand and experience the profound depth, weight and burden of these double edge swords more frequently, even constantly and on much more deeper level than do my babies due at this point in their own journey. In away for now maybe that is a hidden blessing but I fear the day that it will no longer be a blessing for them and they will come to the same realization that I have had sea know and will forever have and know. That in and of itself is a double edge sword.
How do I and at some point my babies fight my and their way through these double edge swords that I and they will be surrounded by. I wish at this point in my journey as a widow and solo parent I wish I had the answer. I don’t know how to fight these double edge swords but I do know that all I can to is continue on traveling this journey and striving to do my best for my beloved John and our babies. I guess the best I can hope for is that one that is enough and that in doing so I will find what I seek on my journey as a widow and solo mommy.

 

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Defining what is to be enough

The idea and question of what is enough and what it is to be enough has been a constant and continual unescapable theme, idea and question all through out my own life as long as I can remember. Equally the answer to this question and defining this for me and my life has constantly and continually has eluded me, has been a unsolved mystery, and an undiscovered treasure. There have been a diverse and myriad reasons as to why this idea and question have plagued me and my life While at least in my adult life intelligently I know that this not the truth of my life but emotionally is another matter for I have found unfortunately these two aspects of life often doesn’t concede or match up. In my life this being born into to this world totally blind, although still visually impaired /legally blind, I was healed at 7 months old. I have a had a life time of dealing with my disability that created endless questions as to if I was enough or not. Throughout most of my life while growing up having constant isssues socially and making friends. Then in my first marriage I wonder if i was enough as a wife and woman. Then as I embarked on my journey through motherhood in 2010 and then again in 2013 with the births of my daughter and then son. I have along my journey as a mama have more than I could say and times I count when I wondered and worried obsessively if I was enough as a mom and for my babies. I would be willing to wager a bet that all of us as women and mamas have for sure and thus I’m not along in my wondering and search for the answer to this question of Am I enough.

I mention the areas of my life experience that have created this question of whether or not I’m enough to demonstrate that I absolutely and completely get the need, search and desire to know the answer to this question for I have been facing it my whole life. This is no less the true for me in motherhood for I have found this to be very much relevant and true for me and I think most of us mamas if being honest with ourselves would say yes this has been something we all have had dealt with. I think if I listed all the ways that this question of being enough has influenced me and more so as a mama that could be a book in and of itself. For me I have wondered is how I’m raising, teaching, displacing and training by babies is enough. Am I loving and nourishing my babies enough. Am I treasuring and cherishing my babies well and enough. I struggle with know if I am spending enough time with them and in that the time I spend my babies is enough quality time not just empty quantity of time. Are the choices in make daily in all areas of my motherhood enough of the right and best choices for my daughter and son. As. Mama I wonder am I striking the right balance and keep the balance well enough that is best for my babies and my family. Am I striking the right balance of what my babies and family in relation to what I need. At the end of my journey of being a mama will the tip of my motherhood scale show the right balance and that it and I was in fact enough for my babies and family.

In my new and current journey in life and motherhood this is the newest areas and way that this question haunts me. I thought when I was a mama before while parenting with my partner, my babies daddy and love of my life that this was overwhelming and something to dealt with being a enough or not. Worrying about being enough before is nothing compared to my constant, continual and obsessive fear and worry over now being enough as a solo mommy for my babies. This question as to whether or not I’m enough as a solo parent and a mommy for my babies creates numerous other questions that I desperately seek and search for the answers. After becoming a widow and a solo mom at 38 and loosing my beloved John and my precious babies daddy I have had of face things and aspects of life and motherhood I never thought would be part of my reality, picture and world. I have to wonder if I can do this solo parenting thing and carry it all on my own.

I wonder can I raise a daughter into the women of God she is suppose to be and how to be a loving wife and mother with the unfilled whole of not having her father and living with the missing piece in her heart and life. I wonder even more so with my son how I will raise my son to become the man of God he is suppose be and how to be a loving husband and father with the unfilled whole of not having his father and living with the missing piece of his heart and life. Will what I teach, demonstrate, train and do in my displacing of my babies be enough. The time and the quality of time I have now with my babies is that truly enough now that its just me. I wonder how could it be there is just a much do in the same amount of time limits as before just now there is just one of me to do it and thus it feels so much form because it’s just me now. Will how I nourish, love and care for my babies be enough and now more than ever be enough to compensate for the loss of the love of their father. More than ever will my choices he the right and best ones and will they be enough to carry this family. I feel more times than not that these constant, continual obsessive wondering of my heart and mine are endlessly whirling and whirling that will consume me. At the end of my journey of being a mama no more so as a solo mama will the tip of my motherhood scale show the right balance and that it and I was in fact enough for my babies and family.

I’m the absolute first to admit I don’t have the answers and for sure I don’t know if I’m a enough and I know I’m desperate to know. I may not have the answers I seek but maybe I can learn to find the answer in certain things. My thought process currently is telling that the way for me to help seek the answer to whether or not I’m enough as a solo parent is to similar to what I did in the past in my journey as a mommy. I have discussed this previously in past chapters and books. I have discussed that in my earlier part of my journey as a mama when I was more virginal that as I would learn, grow and discover more as a mama that I would become look to my victories and mommy mountaintop moments to help me remember what I can to and take reassurance in those things and lessons learned whine I was waling through more virginal mommy territory and my mommy valleys. Maybe, even thought it feels that the stakes are incredibly and profoundly higher now and that I feel as I’m a virgin all over agin, I can do the same here as a solo mommy. Maybe I can look to the areas that I feel have gotten right, had courage, and made the right and best choice. For I also keep a list and journal of what I call my new parental positives and a list of what I know admits all the uncertainty I feel daily. When I’m find myself struggling I review my list and journal and that tells me that while I may not know all the answers, have it all figured out or feel certain of much but at least there is examples, proof and evidence of my small, slow and steady progress, growth and ability not just as a mom but now as a mom who is now journeying through most new, unexpected and profoundly uncertainty as a widow and mama solo.

Could it be that with each thing, step and choice no matter how incredibly minuscule or gigantic it may be a move or step in the direction towards gaining more experience, confidence and certainty in my ability and experience as a now a solo mama. Could these things be helping become less virginal as a solo parent. If I reflect on my small or large moments of victory and success on my mommy mountaintop as then maybe that is what will help in my moments in the valleys of my journey as a solo mommy. Is the answer to whether I’m enough or not is it to be found in these new things, steps and choices I make that this the key to carry me along my journey from being virginal and uncertain to a place in my journey of feeling certain, confident, experienced, and now an expert in my journey as solo mommy. If I can take, strength, courage, encouragement, in these tiny or large moments of victory and success then may I will fine the certainty and answers I seek. May I discover the knowledge and belief that yes I am in fact enough for myself, my babies, my family and as a mommy who now travels this journey solo.
May I strive to continue grow, learn and discover more that will lead to being more experienced, certain and confident as solo mommy. May I equally become less virgianal, more experienced and the ultimate expert as a solo parent raising my babes. In my growth, gained knowledge, experience and confidence may I discover that the answer to my question is that yes in fact I’m the expert and that I’m certain that I’ found enough for myself, my babies and family as I continue to travel my journey as a solo parent.

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I’m pulling double, triple and all duty

 

I think for most people one of the very worse things is when working at a job and then all the sudden your boss saids oh by the way you are now going to be doing this too and on top of what that person is already doing. There is nothing more overwhelming, stressful, challenging and difficult than to have to play double duty or in some cases triple or even multiple duty beyond double or triple. I mean it’s like there is only so much of one person and only some much to do stuff and have the work be done in. I know me I’m always saying to my babies mommy is only one person and that I’m not an octopus with 8 arms and 5 hands. I mean having to do and pull double duty is just next to impossible to do and actually how reasonable of an exception is it rally to expect of one person when each of is in confined to the limits of only 24 hours in a day. I think everyone feels like this at some point in not majority of the time in our overwhelming crammed full busy lives. I do wonder if the case can be made that this is even more so true for us as women and as mama. In motherhood/ parenthood I’m not sure it there is a word to define. How many duties are done and pulled my mamas/parents all still within the same 24 hour day.

Eight years ago I started my journey as a mama into motherhood and I quickly became aware of my new duties and all the hats I now wore and had to juggle. I mean before becoming a mama my life and most lives before children are pretty much simpler, easier and much less complicated. I mean with less lives to be responsible for there is just less be in charge of and fewer obligations. Do any of us remember what our lives were like before traveling into the journey of motherhood. For me it was just me and my husband we did what we wanted, when we wanted as we pleased. We went about our business living in New Hampshire after we got married. We went to school and he had his military job and duties and we enjoyed our time together always. In June of 2009 his military job become active and full time for the state of New Hampshire that had more to his plate and ours. I was down with school so I worked retail. Things were pretty much freer, less busy, more flexible and we just enjoyed each other and doing life together. Since 2010 and becoming a mama and for the first almost 7 years of being a mama
life for me and my husband was much the same in the sense military, work, school and we always enjoyed our life and time together. The only and many difference is our time was less and our lives were much, much busier with the fullness of being parents to our daughter and then son in 2013. My plate in my days of the life of being a now mama got much fuller, over loaded and busier especially when I was crazy enough to think it was a great idea to add the responsibilities of graduate school to my plate.

In April of 2017 when my life and journey as a mama changed forever in one split second by a major curve ball and plot twist in my and babies lives I realized how naive I had been on so many countless levels. The idea of having to pull double duty as a mama would now and forever be on a whole entirely new playing level. In motherhood parenthood as a single /solo parent I think this aspect of having to do or pull double duty is the absolute most hard, difficult and challenging single aspect of single mothering/parenting. I know for me as I started out on and have been traveling my new journey of being a widow and solo mommy this is without a doubt the hardest, most difficult and challenging thing I’ve had to do and adjust to next to being a widow, the loss of my beloved husband, grieving the loss of him and adjusting to life after losing John. Also as I travel my new journey as a single /solo after losing my beloved John my awareness of all my new and added duties to be pulled on my own as a widow and single/ solo mommy. My new journey has brought an entirely new and completely different definition and level of meaning as to what it is to pull double duty or whatever the term would be to define my new role and all that I now have to do. I guess it could be called or labeled in single/ solo parenting everything duty all the time.

I had asked previously if we remember what our lives looked like before becoming mamas. I do and I know what my life looked like when I was a mama and had the absolute very best partner to do parenting and life with hand in hand side by side in love. I never wanted to journey through life without him. Also I’m more than painfully aware of my life now consist of. I work beyond hard to do what I have to do and keep continuing on with my babies but mine and their live is nothing like what we had with our beloved John and daddy and never will be again. For me as now and forever more a solo parent I do my usual with the kids as I have done for the last eight years the one major difference which is everything is I’m doing it solo on my won with no partner, no husband, no backing, no support of a loving husband or daddy. At the end of my day in the life of a mommy who i now pulling not just double or even triple duty but everything duty all the time after my babies are in bed my beloved John isn’t here. I don’t have hime to say talk about how good or bad this day was, what awesome had or great things happened or have some to listen o my thoughts on any and everything and tell me you got this it will be fine, you doing great my love. He is no longer here to say relax, have drink. Which is way of saying babe you’re fine relax and breathe all is good. Now I just watch my tv either what is scheduled, catch up on DVR or what I would do without Netflix. I try to work on stuff what watching to much tv and unwind and decompress from my days as now solo mama. I try to stay out of my head but that usually is devastating an epic fail and any and everything comes flooding into my brain. It is this time of day when I finished my mommy overwhelming, overloaded plate of everything that I process and obsess over my overwhelming, overloaded, over completed my life’s plate of entangled life spaghetti before I collapse into bed only to start this all over the next day as a solo mama.

As I continue to travel through my journey of solo parenting and continue to adjust to this new aspect of my motherhood I have to wonder how does one keep traveling as solo parent and shoulder or carry this overwhelming extra and new load of doing everything all the time on my own forever more. I mean as I write this my daughter is 8 and my son is 5 so I have good 13 years left until they will be both 21 and 18. This feels as if am I now having to travel and run the longest ever marathon entirely on my own with endless terrain or ground to cover and left to go before reaching the parenting/motherhood finish line. There is much that I wonder, worry and obsess about and feel anxious over. During my days of solo parenting I can’t let myself stop and think about these things but at night as I watch my DVR or Netflix this is when I’m rendered a slave to and are at the mercy of my mental and emotional obsessive entanglements. I’m not here to say I have all the answers and never had them especially now more that ever before but I’m striving and trying to find my way in my new journey as a solo mommy and widow and just in life in general. All I know to do is just continue traveling and as I travel I seek the answers to my endless obsessive questions and entangled plate of spaghetti. I will also strive to do my best and be here always for my babies maybe a solo mama or mommies persons that is all that matters and what counts. Ask me in 13 years when I have ran my marathon of solo parenting and have crossed my finish line of my journey of solo parenting how I think it went what the answers are to this thing we call motherhood/ parenthood and even more so when it’s done solo. Time will only tell may all of us as solo/single parents reach our own finish lines in our own marathons. Let’s agree to run are best race ever and hope to see it through to the end and make to the finish line.

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TGICT – Closing TIme finally for this MaMa

“Closing Time” By: Semisonic

“One last call for alcohol so finish your whiskey or beer
Closing time
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here”

The idea of closing time or close up shop has certain implications, meaning and conniptions. It is understood by most if not by all that the idea of closing time is that it’s time to be done for the day. It’s time to finish up and wrap it up. Whoever was working gets to quit for the day, no longer is on the clock and gets to home. I think the best example of this a bar that it’s closing time and you got to go home now. There is a song in pop culture called by “Closing Time” by Semisonic that embodies this idea most explicitly and very well. Whenever somewhere closes a customer must leave and go they don’t care and is of no concern to them as to where that customer may go as long as the are there and leave. You are most likely at this point scratching your head and going okay where is this going and what does this have anything to do with motherhood /parenting. Well, answer me this what are you saying or at least thinking when bedtime finally at lasts rolls round. Maybe the expression shouldn’t be TGIF but TGICT thank goodness it’s closing time for this mama.

I can’t speak for everyone but I can speak for myself and I’m most definitely thinking thank goodness I’m free at least. I’m giving thanks to the heavens be I’m off the clock and the day is done. I’m ladies I don’t know about you but by the end of my easily 15 – 17 day that starts at 6am and goes to easy 10 – 11:30 pm there are no words the extent and degree of my beyond exhaustion. I mean who won’t be totally beyond ready for closing time at the end of long days such as these. My days are busy and filled with much as days in the live of being a mommy are. I know for me it’s the typical, get up, get ready for school morning routine, get out the door, workout, breakfast, shower, work, write, edit, phone calls, appointments and some chores. Then it’s on to the after school schedule, get kids, snacks, homework, maybe play dates, activities, dinnertime and on Wednesday church. Then it’s the night /bed routine of story time, family chat time, chore charts, pj’s and brush teeth and night time snuggles and prayers. I don’t know about you I don’t need anymore added in my days and how could I where would I put. How I or any of us not be totally ready for the closing time of our mommies days. Then lets’s add the forever, constant, continual and permanent, never ending added bonus aspect and dynamic oh yes it’s just me doing this all solo I only and alone all day everyday. I must bear this load as I travel this journey of solo parenting in my motherhood

In the past my husband and I always believed in and held to the value and immense importance of set and early bedtimes for our babies for so many reasons. It is good for all members of the family the babies and for the adults. Set bed time schedule helps with structure for kids. It also allows for time for adequate and much need to sleep for little bodies to get good rest so they grow and be healthy. As far as the adults are concerned, at least how my husband and I saw it, it give much needed time to do our own stuff, relax together and get much, much immensely valuable time for us as husband and wife. I treasured and cherished that time that John and I would have together at the end of the day after work and kids and all that we had crammed into our days. We didn’t sacrifice that for nothing. We never cared how we spent it just that we getting to spend time together and getting to be together.

As much as this was true that John and I believed in and valued early bedtime and TGICT and we had our time together after long days for myself I’m
truly come to appreciate just how totally, completely immensely more the value of this idea and that TGICT for this solo mana and widow. In my journey as a widow and solo mama the case could made that now its a most vital, essential, critical life line of sanity if not more so now more than ever. When this mama’s closing time comes it allows for me to wind down, relax, just chill out after my jammed packed busy days as a widow and solo mama. Closing time give me much needed space, quite and alone time to just be and do whatever. The first part of my journey as a new widow and solo mama following John’s passing in 2017 really until this last August 2018 just a few months ago I had no timer space for myself . From April 4, 20217 – August 15, 2018 my life has been consumed with doing any and everything that comes after losing someone. For the last 16 months there was no time for me, for myself and to have space to just be. I had no time to just stop, breathe, take my sips and breaks and just to try to figure me, my new life, reality and journey out. I’m still working on that part and work in progress I hope. So yes absolutely this mama needs her space and quite when closing time comes for my days as solo mama. I’m for sure without a doubt TGICT for me solo mama.

When my day is done, I’m off the clock, and it’s my own TGICT which is scared time for me in my day. Don’t get me wrong I absolutely love being a mama and love my most amazing precious babies who I treasure and cherish more than words or that I could eve say. At times I think I’m bad for saying these things or feel a tiny ounce of quilt but then I realize the truth of the matter. The truth is for this mama is that my time and space it get once it’s closing time is one of my main daily small and simple saving graces. This tine after closing time is what helps me keep my balance, center, focus and my sanity. It keeps me for getting off balance, spinning out of orbit, and going insane. I always say when mama is sane everybody is sane. I guess for me this can be put in the catorogy of severing the greater good of everyone or at least my family. Also for me it’s like I’m really doing everyone a favor and a service by attending to my self care needs in getting my time and space after this solo mama’s closing time. More than ever before I must keep my balance, stay in smooth orbit, stay focused and protected my priceless and precious sanity. The way I know to do that fro me is to absolutely always take my sips, my breaths, my breaks, put my feet up and relax most especially after a long day and when it’s closing time for this solo mama. I have to more than ever before strive to do and give my absolute very best to my babies and may I always do so. This mama is always enjoys, loves and thankful for her closing time. Let it always be said Thank goodness its Closing Time for this MaMa.

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When did I bcome Mommy and Daddy

Ever since I can remember I know I wanted to be a mommy. I remember writing a journal to my future babies when I was growing up. At some point in my journey I become aware this might not be possible or at least difficult although until I tried no one knew for sure. At the risk of TMI in the female department my body has never been normal and worked right without the help of birth control. All I know I had a messed up body and wanted to some day have babies. In the world of fertility and infertility which can be a most heart-wrenching and heartbreaking world and journey for countless women and couples which I can’t and have not to imagine or experience. This is a road I never had to travel to much or for to long with not as much difficulty that may have been thought would have been the case for me. If you are reading this and are either having such a journey or had journey like this I’m so beyond truly sorry. For me and my husband we were most fortunately and blessed to have a much smoother road to travel than expected that would lead me to my entrance into my journey into my motherhood in 2010.

In all my years of hoping and dreaming to become a mama and have a family I expected and hoped to enter into the journey of motherhood. I expected and looked forward to having all that came with it and experience all that motherhood involved. As I write these current chapters on my journey as a mommy I have written three other books that discussed, shared, chronicled or documented my own personal journey that I have traveled through my own motherhood from becoming a new, virginal mommy with the birth of my baby girl, then the second and third book on my journey through becoming a mommy of two precious and sweet babies. I never envisioned or thought my journey would had taken me in this new and unexpected direction. I never dreamed in a million years nor did I want to that I would have to come to the knowledge and experience of traveling my journey through motherhood solo and as a widow. This was the new and unexpected turn and plot twist in my own journey and journey as a mommy. I never thought I would be writing this current book on what it is to parent solo.

Okay so life is kind of funny in a way but not really funny and it has been said make plans and see what happens. Life has a most interesting and very sick ironic sense of humor. But trust me I’m not laughing and most not happy about this in the least bit. For better or worse here I am a widow, solo parenting and doing this on my own. One of the first questions that has come in my mind and is one of the ares that gives me much concern and worry is that when did I become mommy and daddy too. I know how and when it happened and believe you me I’m fully and painfully aware. This is a role I didn’t want and didn’t ask for or did I sign up for this when I entered into my journey through motherhood. I’m a woman and I’m not a man obviously and so I how can I do both. I know of and how to be a girl and a woman I am not and know not of what it is to be a man. Yet as a became a mother of the second time in 2013 it was to a beautiful, sweet precious baby boy. Oh shut the front door I’m so screwed aren’t I. It at least feels that way. I don’t know what to do with the role of both mommy and daddy. I wanted and did become a mommy not daddy to boot too.

This absolutely has nothing do do with any preconceived notions or ideas based in the sociological, culture or societal expected or assumed roles of gendered. This is simply put the fears, obsessive worries, concerns and anxiety of a completely new and virginal mama to being a widow, solo parenting and have now to be both mommy and daddy. We all have seen, heard and stories and the research on both sides of this parenting coin. The coin being that one side saying and advocating for the power and strength that can be given to a child/ children form a a single strong parent influence on their life. The other side of this coin is that what we hear are the voices in the societal chorus of what happened when childern are left fatherless or what is said when a child is left fatherless but had a strong male role model who stepped up to feel the void in their lives and what impact that had in their lives. For me I see the merit and validity in both because neither side can be denied the truth in their position and the true stories of testimony they each have to back up their position. Then again seeing and understanding both sides causes for me much conflict and concern. Which is in fact the case in reality and what will be true for my babies in their own lives depending on what our future journey holds whether is for them to not have a father figure again in their lives or if they do have one in their lives down the road.

How do I find my way through this aspect of my journey I am woman and mommy not man and father. How do I carry both and teach my babies both parts of what i needed in their lives. How do I demonstrate and teach my son what it is to be a man and grow into the godly man, husband and father roles that he may have as a man. How do I show my daughter what it is to follow a godly man as a women and wife. How do I show her what it to look for and what it is to have a godly man and husband and father in her life. I fear much and that I in and of myself is inadequate to be able to provide this for them. Moreover in the ways I know to strive to provide this foe my babies what if that is found to fall short of the irreplaceable value of having that lived out for a child on a daily base in their lives. Just thinking and writing this is overwhelming. How do I provide this and and demsotrate this for my babies when I’m only a woman and mama but yet have to be mommy and daddy at the same time. I don’t think there has been any one area of my journey as a mommy/parent that has made me feel so completely and absolutely virginal since becoming a mama then this idea of being a mommy and daddy to my babies.

I wish I had the answers and not feel so lost in this part of my new journey as a solo parent. Being has always been and even more so now the very most important thing to me and job that I have ever had. I always wanted and strived to do my absolute very best and do right by my babies. For me at this point in my journey the stakes seem all that much higher and dire. I can’t not risk failure or not succeeding there is to much riding on me being a successful solo mommy. I have to wonder which side of the parental coin will I ended up on and that will be true for my babies. Anytime people comment or say what kind of job i’m doing a a mommy I say ask me in 16 years when my babies are 21 and 18 and i’m at the end of the main part of my solo parenting marathon. I may not have the answers and still have a lot to figure out I know that the verdict rendered on my parenting and my journey as a solo parent will only be know in time. In the mean time I can only strive to do my very best for my babies and hope that in striving to do that it will render a successful verdict in 16 years. Stay tuned.

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I have no choice in these matters

In all my studies I would say I’m most defiantly a advocate of the idea of choice theory, which stems form Rational Choice Theory, and the profound value of choices in life. In one’s life journey one is faced with constant and countless choices and more choices at every turn. This theory is defined as and based on the idea or framework of that social behavior results from the behavior or actions of the individual actors, thus each individual actor or person is making their own individual decisions or choices. One can be faced with the most insignificant to the most enormous choice. Some our choices in life are and seem minor and of very little importance or consequence but then again there are some choices that are and seems be equally major and of much importance and profound significance that have altering and changes of one’s course in life. I have devoted extensive writing on the topic of choices relevant to my own journey through my motherhood and the choices my babies also have to make. While this is absolutely true and still is true my new, different and unexpected journey in life and as has taught me a most important lesson. Despite life and one’s own life journey having constant and countless choices there are some seen or unseen junctures that one comes to that he or she was absolutely beyond a shadow of a doubt was not given choice in this matter. A persons has come to a point in his or her journey where they had no say or voice and definitely were not consulted about or in the changing course and path of their own life journey. In my own life’s journey I can say this has been a large part of my reality and truth from the very start of being born into a world without my sight and then having to deal with my disability my entire life. I can now say in 2017 this also equally true of my journey through my motherhood.

In April 2017 I was painfully made and reminded of this fact of not being consulted or given a choice in the course my journey would now take. It was in April 2017 that the course of my journey in life and my motherhood was irreversibly, irretrievable and forever changed never to be as it was ever again. It’s as if this life event and my new journey was a storm or storm system of complete destruction that came roaring through and demolishing, crashing and shattering any and everything its path which my life, all my hopes, dreams, desires and my world.
April 4, 2017 at 9:00pm (eastern time) I would find myself to be a widow, solo mommy and now on a new and unexpected journey that I I can absolutely promise you I did not in any way or in no uncertain terms did not ask for nor would I ever.
I did not ask to loose the love of my life. I was not consulted in my babies loosing their daddy. I was asked about becoming a widow and a solo mom who is disabled at 38. I was not given a choice in having to start this new, unfair, unjust, and unexpected journey in my life. I was not asked if I wanted to do this, start this new course of my life’s journey. I was not consulted on how I would feel about these matters. I had no say or input when I found myself thrown into this new course, storm and nightmare of my life’s journey. In that singular moment on April 4, 2017 It was as if and I felt like I had be a victim of life’s highway robbery at gunpoint and life had taken everything I wanted, my hopes, my dreams and held dear. All I could do is stand there and watch as it was happening and came crashing down around me as life just stole and ran away into the night with what was mine never to be had or seen again. I was given no choice about losing the life, reality and world I and my babies had and starting a new journey, life, reality and world without my beloved John and their amazing daddy. Life at times can be as much as like the weather, the seasons and mother nature who no more can be wrangled, reigned in or controlled than the storms of our lives.

Forced to face a life event and circumstance that I didn’t ask for and wasn’t my choice I had and now have to consider what is one to do when dealt a hand in life that was definitely bad luck of the draw and not of my own choosing. I must consider what and where do I go from here now in this new course that I was forced to face and into. If I or any of us are given things we didn’t chose or ask for then how do we have a choice in life as to where we travel. More importantly how do we keep traveling our journey and in doing so what options and choices do we have and that are ours to make. How can we feel as if we have any choices or options when we have been back into a corner by life and feel as if were are completely and absolutely out of control, spinning totally out of orbit and absolutely rendered powerless with no options. In the moment I learned my beloved John’s passing and in endless moments since over the last 18 months I have felt all of this. There is little that I understand and certain of now and especially in the first fresh moments of my new journey. Its most odd to know that in the very same instance you feel you have no choice you must make a choice.

As I have travel my journey as a widow and solo mommy I have been taught that I’m so strong, brave, strong and that I had a choice. I don’t know all about that but what I say is that no I didn’t have a choice. While yes I didn’t choice the change in my course of my journey but also for me it was a choice I had to make or it wasn’t negotiable as whether or not I would what I had to do as a mommy, for my baby and family. It’s foreign to me for the idea that I could had chosen differently regarding what I had to do for my babies and family. How it is possible for one to have no choice but yet within the not having a choice must make choices. The only I can present to try to answer this is now in my new journey its s much the same as it has been my whole life. I wasn’t given a choice to be born blind and deal with a disability my whole life but I did and have to chose what I will do with what I was dealt as journey through life with a disability. Equally I didn’t choice this life event and new reality but I had to and keep having to choose what I will do even though for me it was a choice to be made its just what I had to do and what must be done in my journey.

In times of life and our journeys that we travel as mommies, women and individuals maybe the key to take our control and power back and feeling as if we grounded and balanced and not spinning out of orbit is in being back into the corners of life we seek to discover where we can have options and choices in admits the storms that come that we didn’t choose. In discovering the ways and aspects in which we can have a say or choice as we travel our own journeys may we find the freedom needed to continuing to travel. Could it be that in seeking to find the things I can choice, then choosing them and continuing to do as I continue to travel my new journey as a widow and solo mama that is what it is meant and is to have strength, bravery and courage when backed into the corners of life bye unchanging, raging storms of life. In those moments if I’m found left standing, not dashed on the rocks or washed away by the rising flooding waters of storms in my life then maybe just maybe I can see the choices that are in my path I travel. Just maybe I can find the freedom to keep making the choices I find in my journey so that I can continue travel unhindered, untethered and unentangled by the trappings of life’s storms that come unwanted, uninvited and knocking at my door. May I always and forever strive to seek the choice that are in my path and that i will continually make the choses that are mine and mine alone to choose. May I continually strive to travel my journey in freedom unencumbered by the trapping corners’s of life. In striving to do these things may I be found standing and not dashed upon the rocks and swept away by the rising flooding waters of the the storms of my life. May I be found steadfast, firm, strong, brave, and courageous in the face of my life’s storms so that I may freely continue traveling my journey for myself, my baby and our family.

 

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