My House of Cards of Motherhood
Growing up I saw people try the challenge of building a house made of cards and I always wondered about what made it possible, how did it work, how was it able to stand or what would cause it to fall. I never quite got the hang of it growing up but was also curious and intrigued. As I started my journey as mother with the birth of my daughter in 2010 I felt like I was building my own house of cards of motherhood and parenting. I remember having moments at times or days of complete panic, fear or worry. I felt like I was falling just as a house built from cards and longing to be made and felt steady in my ability as a new mommy. Then other moments or days and sometimes in same day to just moments apart that I felt rock steady and that my house of cards of motherhood would stand on a firm foundation of my ability.
In those early moments of my journey as a new mother I found myself wondering a few things. I wondered why would from moment to moment or day to day I would feel as if I was falling then I would feel steady. I wondered what caused me to feel one way or another either frail, uneasy and unsteady or solid, steady and confident. Also I wondered how could I build the type of house of cards while I journeyed as a mommy of strength, steady, confident and steadfast in my ability and keep form being frail, uneasy, unsteady, and falling in my ability as I journeyed along. These answers I was seeking came easily enough I as journeyed on and gained knowledge, experience and my own life lessons of motherhood.
The first question of why from moment to moment or day to day I would feel either as if i falling or steady had a few answers and in time would come with solutions. The answers oh yeah your still dealing with crazy insane hormones I mean you did just give birth. Also it was a result of being new to this motherhood thing and trying to figure me out, my body, my new baby girl, this thing call motherhood and having no experience. Then this lead to what caused me to feel so different and in opposites ends of the spectrum of motherhood partly the hormones for that influenced my mood and thinking. A bigger piece to the question was that in some things I was learning, figuring out and getting down which made me feel and have moments of feeling confident, firm and rock steady. Then the things that I wasn’t getting or figuring out as quickly and had less experience in it made me feel and have moments of what if I make mistakes, don’t get it right or fail my daughter and in motherhood. The answer to the final question came to me as I journeyed on realized, understood, chose and decided what I kind of mother I wanted to be and wanted for my daughter and for her to have growing up. These were things like love, kindness, safety, safe environment to grow and learn in, consistency, strength, confidence, independence, kindness and strength, among other important cards to use to create the strong, firm and steady foundation my house of cards of motherhood would be built upon.
After deciding on the type of house of cards of motherhood I wanted to build for my daughter as I journeyed along I had to figure out and answer the question as to how I would build such house of cards of motherhood. The answer to this question and the solution of achieving this came through a few things that I learned and saw in my journey. I saw that with every moment that I got something right such as providing good healthy food, being able to fix things, solve problems, comfort my daughter, successfully help her reach and achieve milestone or learn things, enduring, surviving and preserving in moments of falling and feeling as if I had failed I came out still standing. Having theses moments I slowly but surely gained knowledge, ability and confidence to allow me to work on building my strong, steady, firm and confident house of cards of motherhood. Also in these moments it gave me tools, affirmation, strength and confidence to use to remind myself and rely on in the moments of feelings of utter frailty, uneasiness, unsteadiness, and failure. Also I saw each time I was in a moment where I stood steady and strong it would lead to other and more moments of feeling steadfast. This I used to build a strong house of cards of motherhood. A key to building such a foundation and house of motherhood was understanding and learning how to find and keep the balance to allow for strength and steadiness on my journey of motherhood and providing a strong house of cards of motherhood for my daughter.
That is not to say that I still didn’t and don’t have moment or days in my journey where I feel frail, unsteady or uneasy and wonder what the heck am I doing. Moments when I was tired, frustrated, cranky from lack of sleep, loss my temper or patience, were short with my daughter, I forget something, feeling like nothing is working or any other myriad of things that cause me to feel I have fallen, failed or unsteady and uneasy. In those moments and days on my journey I try to remember that I am and it’s a work in progress and process we as mothers are all on this journey with our children. We do are best, we journey on and strive to do better and that each day is new day and opportunity to try to keep building the strong foundation of the house of cards of motherhood for our children. May we as mothers who are journeying on this journey of motherhood remember to take a sip, breath and go, find the balance and also strive to build houses of cards in motherhood of strength, love, trust, safety, independence, steadiness, confidence and steadfastness for ourselves, children and families.