As I entered into the journey of a lifetime motherhood in August 2010 with the arrival of my daughter I remember thinking I don’t have a clue as to what to do or what I’m doing here. It struck me that just as in Madonna’s song Like A Virgin I was like a virgin and experiencing this for the very first time this thing they call motherhood. How is this possible that I still could be virginal because I gave birth and it wasn’t by immaculate conception I promise you. I remembering having this swirling, whirling flooding of thoughts about how everything was all new. I was entering into a whole brand new world for the very first time and stepping out into an unknown, undiscovered and new experience, adventure and journey with no experience like a virgin. I mean yes sure I had kept and babysit countless time throughout high school and college other peoples kids and knew some basic general knowledge form those experiences. This very limited scope of experience of watching other people’s kids cannot begin to compare to bringing your own child into this world and being mama to a child and caring for your own precious baby. For one thing in babysitting you get paid and you get to go home at end of the day. This is not the case in the reality of motherhood there is no paycheck and you are home already and at times theres is no leaving. I quickly realized how very lacking I was in experience and knowledge and how very much virginal I was as a new mommy. I think also this was a huge factor that contributed to my moments of feeling as if my house cards of motherhood was going to come crashing and tumbling down all around me. Everything was different, changed, new and my world was forever and irreversibly changed never to be as before the arrival of my bundle of precious joy.
It is difficult to illustrate and describe exactly how extensive, completely, profoundly and all encompassing that a life can be changed once entering on this journey of motherhood. This was no less the case for me as I began my journey as a mother. It also became most evident to me just how much newness there was and how much there was for me to discovered and experienced in all aspects and on all levels. For me becoming a mommy was like a cultural shock to my life. There is newness with my own body with size, shape, hormones, body parts and what comes out of me and how I feel physically. There was newness with my emotional state it was as if my emotions were temporally taking me for a constant biggest, fastest, tallest, scariest rollercoaster ever that felt as if it would never stop, never end and I couldn’t get off. Then I experienced the newest of this new life that came into my life, world and family and all the newness that just simply comes with the new precious life of my daughter. For me there newness in the idea of bonding with, growing with and journeying together with this new life as mother and child. I found newness as a women for myself and my own new identity. I also discovered newness for me and my husband as a couple and for our new family. I had a completely new and different routine and schedule with new responsibilities and roles. Encompassed in all that if that wasn’t enough there was a newness with sleeping patterns for me and my daughter, mine and her eating, I had to find a new rhythm and figure out new clothing issues. I found myself in a whole new world of time management involving new planning and organization, getting in and out of the door, house and car and in public places. My world had new adjustments, changes, transitions, was evolving and growing as a women, a person, a mama, and as a new family with our daughter. My new world of newness as a mommy was unique and like no other new world I experienced or discovered before this point.
As I went along my new journey I discovered that just with virginity once its gone its gone and there’s no getting it back. The bandaid had been permeantly rippled off for good and thrown away. Also as I moved forward as a new virginal mommy I learned and gained more, more and more knowledge and experience as a mama and become less and less like a virgin in motherhood. As I become less and less like a virgin in motherhood I gained the knowledge and experience that would allow for me to also gain steadiness, strengthen and confidence in my ability. This would in turn allow for gaining more positivity, confidence and strength and trust that I had this. In the moments that I was still virginal I could pull from and rely on what I gained and learned to reassure myself of my ability to be a mama to my daughter and build the house of cards in motherhood that I wanted for my daughter and me. Although my virginal days in motherhood have long been gone and ripped away I still find myself in moments in virginal territory as a mother. In these virginal moments all I can do, all any of us can do as mothers, is go forward, continue on, learning, growing, discovering and experiencing. As long as I and we as mother do that as we go forward and remember to take a sip, breath we will be able to go forward even in potential future virginal moments as mothers. It is in and through these moments and willingness to keep growing, learning, discovering and experiencing that we will become the most experienced mothers and not the virgins as mothers that we once were.