I am Lossing myself or finding myself in Motherhood

In life often times when we consider and start out on new journey or adventures doing so most assuredly brings with a large array of emotions, feelings and questions. One could experience much excitement or anticipation. The beginning of new things could also bring with feelings of anxiousness, nervousness, fearfulness. Then again one may find themselves filled with much curiosity and wondering at the future possibility or potential. One might be filled with questions of where will this new adventure take me, where will it lead and what will I find while journeying forward. In my eight years traveling as a mama I feel as if I have had similar thoughts, feelings and questions and various points in my journey throughout my own motherhood. Often time when one travels and starts new beginnings, adventures or journey what one discovers influences their identity. This is equally true for us as women and I know for me I’m not the same person I was that I am today after starting and traveling my journey through motherhood for these last eight years and counting.

This causes me to reflect upon and ask who am I as I have journeyed and continue to journey through my motherhood. Before August 2010 when my motherhood journey started with the birth of my daughter I was just simply Michaela Cox. I was the wife to my husband John Cox, I was and am a daughter to my parents, a was and am a granddaughter to my NaNa, I’m sister – in – law to my husband sister, I’m a nice to a few uncles and cousin to several. I’m a friend to many and try to be a good friend. Up until 2010 I had been a college graduate and massage therapy graduate, employee at Kohl’s. My only thoughts about my own life at this time was to be a hopefully great and loving wife, a mommy, to write, get published and keep doing all the things I had done and was doing. Following after August 2010 I became a mommy and had this beautiful precious baby girl. A whole new journey had started for me and that entered me into a whole new world. This new journey of my taking me into this whole new world was totally different and brought with it in all respects a whole new life, job, perspective, responsibility and priorities. Within this new reality brought many more new things to be a part of my day, my time and on my plate. Starting my journey as a mama it changed everything to include me and who I was.

In experiencing this new journey, my new adventure and evolving as a person and a mama I have often pondered the enormous idea or questions of who am I now. I am more the the mommy in Michaela or more of Michaela influencing who I am as the mama of my babies. Does the person that I have been and become over my 31 years impact how I am a mama more. Does my life experiences impact my motherhood more. Does my ideals, philosophies, character, beliefs impact how I mother and parent my babies more. Then again does my journey as a mama and how I’m evolving is it that more of an impact on myself, my identity and who I am as a person. Also I wonder in journeying forward and evolving is that causing me to loose myself in this adventure of motherhood or will I find something more that I never could have imagined for myself. I mean do I feel as if i’m being taken to far from who I thought I was or suppose to be or does being a mama bring me closer to my intended purpose in life.

I think these are questions we all ask ourselves and can only be answered by us as individual mamas. It is I and I alone that can answer this question for myself. Personally for me I think that the answer to this question for me lies in several things. To start with being a mama adds to my identity. Secondly there have been days where I wondered if in all the craziness and chaos of my new life, reality and journey through my motherhood that yes I was losing myself because I couldn’t do this, or I was sinking, or I had no time to recenter, get my focus or balance, or that I felt I was losing myself because my ‘I feel pretty’ or self care had been lacking greatly or none existent. Then there were other times that Im amazed at what I’m seeing, discovering, learning and experiencing as I journey with my babies. A third aspect to this question for me is that I don’t think is an either /or type answer. I think it is more like a and/both answer. I believe absolutely that my life experiences, ideals, philosophies, character, beliefs impact how I mother and parent my babies. I mean how can they not for these very things that have shaped me and who I am for the first 31 years of my life leading up to my start into my journey through motherhood. Such things will completely and totally will impact how I mother and parent. Also as I have experienced this journey of being a mama I have learned and grown, stretched, and evolved as a person.

Maybe journeying as a mama is much like traveling any journey in that we bring to the new journey what we have learned, experienced, believe and we add the new experiences and lessons of our new journey to what we already had and strive to blend and make a new improved mixture or recipe. In my journey as a mama / parent if I do this then maybe my journey through motherhood will help me provide for my babies and family the very best blend, the right mixture. Maybe this new created recipe taken from who I was before being a mama and who I am now will contain the correct and right amount of ingredients such as love, respect, discipline, care, protection, kindness, teaching, courage, bravery, and many others to help me through this journey that will prepare my babies for their own life journeys. May I always strive to create the right blend of who I was and who now I am as a mama to provide to my babies and family the best version of me for them to become the best versions of themselves as they continue to journey forward in their own journeys through this life.

About Heartfelt Meditations

I am a published author and was published in 2011. My passions in writing involves my journey through motherhood, my faith and my love for America and our history. I live in Louisiana bur am from Texas.
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