In journeying through this life we are given, subjected to, engulfed in, surrounded and bombarded by images of how this life is to to be and how we are to do life. We see and are given many ideas of what is expected of us, of life and what is expected in the various life stages, and seasons. In our journeying in life we are taught, showed or experience what it expected of us in all areas. In school we know what it is to go though school, be a good student, excel and graduate. Once out in the world we know what is expected for us to be an adult, get a job, get an home or apartment, pay bills and be a productive contributing and successful adult.
We know that there is a normal expectation of finding someone, getting married, settling down having a family and living the life we have made for ourselves in our life’s journey. We see and are engulfed with images of all these things that are the expectations of what is it is to travel through life. Is seeing really doing or knowing what it is to journey through the seasons of life.
The interesting thing is that even though we are given these images and expectations as to what things should be no ones says this is what you are do with this expectations. No one saids this is how to live out such expectations in your journey in life in the different seasons of life. No instructions given with these life expectations seems to be all the more the case in times of much tragedy and tribulation. Having imposed expectations in every area is does little good and helps nothing in the valleys of life and the seasons of much trials and struggles in life. This is both confusing and freeing a the same time. Confusing in that when one goes through times of having a sense of lostness then they wonder what not and what to do. This is wondering is vain because you wonder without answers. Freeing because in this journey and sense of lostness you start to learn that there is no expectations of how journey through and that it’s okay for there to be no expectations. Moreover freeing because in not having any expectations or instructions we who are walking though the harsh chapters in our own life’s journey then we can discover our own path to travel what is ours and ours alone.
I think in my new unexpected journey this has been what is the hardest things for me as I attempt to go through this thing they call grief and loss and process it is that I was looking for and expect what is the expected response or reaction of method of processing this new reality. Like when I have watched a movie and which is often times a scene when a character is informed of a loss you see something like them dropping to the floor unable to get up or peel themselves from the floor they dropped to. It could be a character tearing their clothes and to be unconsoled. It could be this character doesn’t every get out of bed or leave their house or just permanently checks out of their lives. Once I know of my husband passing and had to start a new unexpected journey I kept waiting for these moments to come for me in my own journey. It was as if I thought that I didn’t have these expected moment of what it is or how to grief then I must not be doing it right or processing my grief and no grieving my husband. This might seem crazy but at the same time we look to things what have taught or demonstrated before us to know how to do these same things when they come up in our own lives especially when we are lost, don’t know where to turn or what to do. In my own grief I didn’t know what to expect, to do, feel, react, or think so I have looked to what I’ve seen in my life but none what I thought of or known of grief or loss has been apart of my journey or at least in the manner or images that I expected.
The idea of looking to what is known of something or has been taught and demonstrated makes sense in one’s attempt to process something unknown. Yet then again each of us is different, special and unique. Each of us are different people who have been shaped and influenced by a myriad of different factors, aspects, environments experiences and influences that have impacted and shape each of us into the individual that we are and have become. All these things impacts our personality and how we react, respond, feel, process and are affected by the things in my life. The knowledge of each of our and my own individuality was clouded by my own struggle to understand and thus looking to what I thought would be the expected of being a widow and and journey through this loss. Even thought I don’t work that way as a person or haven’t the options o be what I thought would be my journey. I have had my own bathroom floor moments.
It started 4 to 5 months in my journey August or September of 2017 when I would go to church I all the sudden couldn’t get though a church service and would leave to head to the ladies room. I couldn’t out of service fast enough. It was as if I was going to throw up and there was noting that could had made me stay in service. It was like every fiber in my body was saying flee, get out of there was nothing that could have made me stay in my seat and not walk out of service. I went to the ladies room because that’s where you go when you feel something is wrong but also I had total privacy and I still could hear the sermons. With each week that this started to become a pattern a realized a few t things. This allowed me a hour so of privacy to grieve and process when there has been little time for me to do that in my life. It gave me time to do what I needed to do and to do so in small manageable doses. Also this Sunday routine was my own little small moments of being on the bathroom floor and where I felt like for a short will I could be not get up off the floor and that is was okay to be there for awhile. Then I also discovered that after that hour or so I could and would get up off my own Sunday morning bathroom floor. For mow that has been and hopefully will still be the case. Even though I often feel that I can’t or there will come a day where I can’t or won’t be able to get up off of or peel myself off my own version of the bathroom floor for now I’m still getting up each time up off the floor. The other aspect of this journey regarding my own bathroom floor moments on Sunday morning it that I have find my own few small ways in part to travel through my own journey of my loss and grief. I have found it to be freeing to let go what I thought was or is expected of me and to be free to find my own way in this new journey.