One of the main roles of being a mommy is playing nurse, caring for one’s babies and comforting them when they are hurt, sad, sick or in need. I have done this countless times as I’m sure we all have a mommies. One of the most common and probably easily fixed is when our babies have a small scratch, cut or scrapped spot on them from whatever cause. I know I have and when I have what is the first thing we do ladies. For I say what happened and I’m so sorry and mommy will fix that right up. Then what next we clean up whatever it is with a wipe or water and dab it and maybe add Neosporin then cover the area with a Band-Aid. Next comes the hugs, kisses and snuggles and cuddles. Then its all better right until maybe a few days later when I say can mommy take your band Aid off. Of course comes NO mommy it will hurt no mommy I don’t want you too it will hurt. I end getting my babies to let me do so and they are like oh that was no big deal and that wasn’t so bad and then all is well. As I found myself having to travel forward in my journey as a mama solo I have discovered that not all band-aids come off are not so easy or simple.
Ever since we lost John it has felt as if there have been an endless of band-aids that have be ripped off and they did not come off gently. The band aids of my babies hearts and my heart have been placed on on our hearts to attempt to heal the brokenness and our shattered hearts that are filled with unjust and unfair wounds, injuries and gapping wholes. I know not of what could truly heal such scars and wounds. There is no easy way to tear such band-aids from our hearts. I haven’t said this won’t hurt or it will be okay when I know band-aids are being ripped off for this would make me a liar and deny the pain that my babies endure as I do was well. There is nothing easy about this for them or me. The endless ripping of band-aids started with having do the unthinkable and imaginable looking into my daughter that her daddy had gone to see Jesus and was no longer with us. More came when we had to say good bye at the funeral on April 13, 2017 then when I showed my babies where I laid their daddy to rest in his cubby, as my babies call it, on August 22, 2018 and al the other times of saying goodbye to their daddy over eat last 17 months and for the rest of their lives from here now and forward. The band-aids have been ripped off with every thing that reminds us that John and their daddy is no longer with us in the small constant daily things and to the big things that are missed by John and my babies for not having their daddy here for them in such times over the last 17 months and for all the times to come and follow after for the rest of our lives.
I and my babies experienced the band-aids of our hearts being ripped off during the whole first years of first with out John and their daddy. The first came when we had our first Memorial day without John which the day for our nation remember their fallen heroes. John will always and forever be our American Solider and hero. Our hearts had band-aids ripped off when we had to leave our home that we shared with John and move to Louisiana. It was almost unbearable to celebrate my babies first birthdays without John to see our babies grow and turn another year older. Christmas was and is our favorite holiday and to have to do it and go through it without John another band-aid being ripped form our hearts. There have been and will be endless more firsts and countless other band-aids ripped form our broken and shattered hearts. I wondered how can a wound ever really, truly and completely heal when it’s constantly being ripped back open and exposed to new and constant sources of pain, iteration, exasperated. There seems not to be a true band-aid my and my babies broken and shattered hearts. It is said that with time comes healing and it gets easier I’m unsure of that and have not come to that reality and know not if that will ever be the case for me and my babies. How could any of this and this constant ripping of endless band-aids off my babies and my heart ever be made easier and less painful. How can these wounds and injuries ever be healed and made whole again.
I miss the days when it was just as simple as clean up the scratch, cut or scrap, putting Band-Aid and with kisses it was all better and then taking it off with little pain all was well. Those days for my babies are long gone and the there is no band-Aid or patch for the cuts, scraps and scratches that are on my babies hearts and mine. I sit here and write this this pains my heart like no other pain before to know that there is no easy fix or way to take this away from babies and truly heal their heart’s cuts, hurts, scratches and scrapes that hey suffered at such a tender age. These injures they have endured are unjust and unfair. I have journey forward, all the while with my own unjust and unfair injuries have strived and struggle to find answers and ways to be a nurse and to care for my babies gapping and open wounds of their sweet, precious and tender hearts. The methods and ways that I have found and used are a myriad of things like I have photos of John and them and our family all around in photos, pillows and blankets. I took the last recording of his voice on my phone and had it recorded in build -a -bears for my babies. We pray and speak of John often and have family chats and I do my best to answer their questions. I hope to make more things for my babies of them and their daddy. We remember at all special occasions such Memorial Day, Veternaisn Day, his birthday and father’s day and many other special times. I wish and hope that their memories of their daddy will live on and not be forgotten. I also hope that all the things that I strive to do and use to offer some comfort to my babies while can never mend the whole where John was that some how my mommy bandaids somehow help and comfort my sweet precious babies. May I continue to strive to comfort my babies and create and offers bandaids for their hearts as we we three travel forward together as a family hand in hand thrust this journey.