Many things in motherhood once they are done it’s like riding a bicycle. This is is true of countless things that we do on a daily basis. At this point in my journey I gotten the hang of managing my time, know what to privatized and have a good daily routine and a good mommy routine. I have figured a lot of stuff out over the last six years. I figured out how to spread my time between being a mommy, student (for five years), family time and time with my love. I have learned to stay on top of the daily grind and chores of being a mommy. I have even gotten decent that juggling and trying to master multitasking of motherhood. I done my best to keep the balls of motherhood up in the air and in motion. Although I my groovy flow that I had done my best to master would now be interrupted and thrown for a unforeseen devastating and life shattering loop. This curve ball of life that sent my grove into orbit would introduce new balls that would throw off my balance. I have now found myself having to learn how to get my balance back and juggle more balls than ever and that I ever thought would be possible as a mommy, woman or human.
It is true that I still in my daily life I still have to juggle the balls of house work, laundry, cooking, kids homework, appointments, activities, morning and bedtime routine and so many more. Even though those balls and juggling them are very much the same there are equally many more if not more so many different balls that are now in my juggling act. This is true on many levels and there have been several different dynamics added to my juggling act and life as a widow and solo parent. I guess in this journey as a widow and solo mommy there are three major devastating things that impact my juggling act and life. Even thought many of the balls that are bounced and juggled are the same it seems like its more to juggle because I’m the one and only doing the juggling, bouncing and batting of the balls which in a way is a new ball to have to juggle at least how it changes the dynamic of my life and world. Another aspect that throws off the balance in this new juggling act is that its I and I alone who does it all there is no one to back me up, fall back on and to rely on and defer to. At the end of a day there is no partner waiting for me, no one to talk to about the juggling act, my day, my life. This is juggling and doing life solo with no co-coach to have as your backboard and cheerleader squad at all the same time. This and all that entails of immense and immeasurable and so much loss and grief having to navigate that too all at the same is in surmountable. At night it’s just me, myself and I with my thoughts as I watch tv or Netflix as a empty and feeble attempt to fill the constant, never ending and profound and deep as a bottomless pit void of looniness and isolation.
These new new dynamics in of itself is a dynamic to itself. These two new aspects to my journey as a widow and solo parent create a third and equally devastating and defeating impact on me and my life. It is in knowing that these two added balls creates a third that is so draining and overwhelming it feels as if it will suck all the life out of me and that I am to become the walking dead. I have a constant sense of emptiness that was never there before and seems to never leave me. This creates a fourth dynamic to my journey the profound heaviness of the weight of these three dynamics that presses down on me makes the basic juggling of everyday life an overwhelming, seemingly impossible endeavor. This task of juggling daily life every day that was overwhelming in years gone by but that I had mastered no longer seems so easily done. I feel as if it is impossible and that I will never mastered the daily juggling act of the life as a widow and solo widow never mind the life and journey overall as a widow and solo parent. The weight of these new dynamics in my juggling act is as if a vampire is sucking everything out of me and my life. The wight that pressed down on me is so beyond draining most days which in turns makes everything much harder to juggle. This is something else to juggle is the vicious circle that i find myself in most days. I feel as my life with all these dynamics is spinning is more and more out of orbit. I wonder if I will ever find my center and regain my balance and get my world back in orbit.
To all us single and solo moms/parents I don’t have all the answers and every day I struggle. Yes the struggle is most certainly real let no one tell you different. There are moments of great anquinsh, despair, desperation and isolation. There are profound times that the crashing waves of sadness, grief, loss, hurt, fear, stress, worry, anxiety, and so indescribable more just flood over me and threaten to pull me over the weight of this journey only to drown me. I’m struggling daily and am still searching for my own answers and figuring out this journey I”m traveling. I’m trying to be okay with that and where I’m at in my life journey. I May not know much but I do know this when it gets to be to much, unbearable and I feel as I’m surely going under and will be drowned by these crashing waves I have learned, although this has not come easily to me, to give myself much much much needed unavoidable grace to take my numerous deep sips, breaths and take my breaks and stop to put my feet up, work on finding my center, balance and focus even it is just simply for the moment that I’m in now. I have learned that I don’t do this in the moments of my new juggling act, life and journey I will most assuredly be pulled under by these flooding crashing waves. Me taking my deep sips, breaths, breaks and stoping to finding what I need is no longer a choice it’s my life line and life persevere for me. If I want to have any hope of being able to withstand these crashing, rushing, flooding waves of my journey as a widow and solo mommy I must when I feel as if I’m surrounded by the waves of my journey I must stop and seek my self preservation in taking my deep sips, breaths and breaks. In my journey thus far being 18 months in I can’t promise much but I can promise this that I will more than ever do my very best and due diligence to withstand the swirling whirling, crashing flooding and drowning waves of being a widow and solo mommy by taking my deeper sips, breaths, and breaks so that I can remain steady, firm, steadfast, strong, courageous and brave as I travel through my
continual journey as widow and solo mommy. May we all as single /solo parents take our deeper sips, breaths and be ready for our own journeys ahead.