In writing this article I’m sitting here thinking way back to one of my high school and even college English or Literature classes when I would be studying Greek Mythology. I remember reading about the idea and myth of Pandora box (or jar as originally portrayed). Any of us who have studied this and Greek Mythology may remember the story and idea of Pandora’s box came about when Prometheus stole fire form the heavens and thus the punishment handed out by Zeus, the king of the gods, was to take vengeance by giving Prometheus’s brother Pandora. Pandora was the guilty party in opening the box or large jar and releasing into the world sickness, death and all sorts of unspecific trudges and evils. In mythology it is implied that Pandora considered to close the jar but hesitated for the one thing left in the jar was hope. Since my new journey has started in April 2017 following the loss of my beloved husband and my babies daddy I have often times thought of my heart as my own pandora box of treasures memories of John, our life together and our life as a family.
This may seem as a unlikely and strange parallel or metaphor to compare my new journey as a solo mommy and widow but for me its’ most fitting on several levels and reasons. I have thought over the last 18 moths that I dare not take off the lid to these boxes of my heart that I fear there is no going back. I fear that it will all spew and gush out as if it was as lava from the erupting, uncontrolled and unconfined volcano of my heart and unable confine it or to be closed or stopped. While the memories and contents of my pandora’s box in my heart are most treasured and cherished joyful, happy, pleasant, and pure delight unlike the woes brought upon the world by Pandora in Greek Mythology. I will always and forever beyond words thankful for them and would never for anything trade them and will always and forever love, treasure and cherish them and regret nothing. In the same breathe and moment as I write this that is true so is the fact there will never ever me more memories made with my love, by us and our family to have tucked away in my pandora box of my heart. Our love story and journey was for a short 12 years when it was suppose be forever. Four our most precious babies, my daughter only had 6 years with her daddy and my son only three with his daddy. There will come a day that I dread that will be when each them have lived equal and then loner without their daddy then they did with him.
In opening my pandora box of my heart and allow the memories to flow its’s a bitter sweet process that is a double edge sword filled with the new reality of and/both. In opening my pandora box is likened to the woes released on the world by Pandora. In my own heart, life and world in opening my own box it is if I have released all the woes of my heart, life and journey that I now experienced as a widow and solo momma. In opening the flood gates of my heart and box its as if I’m releasing the gushing, spewing and out pouring of much, immense, profound and immeasurable loss, sorrow, sadness, grief, misery, messiness, devastation of my broken and shattered heart. My heart is filled with the woes of having lost the love of my life, the father of our babies, a new life to be lived without him in it ever again. I now am faced with the new reality of having travel the journey forever more solo as a women, a widow, as mommy in my life. There are times and moments where I feel as if the weight of this all will cause me to be crushed , to be drowned and destroyed by the weight of this much like what threaten the world when Pandora released all the woes, tragedies, sorrow and evil on the world by opening the jar. My woes come from knowing that for me and my babies there are endless and countless boxes, stories and chapters to come that will be experience and written without and never to be shared with our beyond love, John and daddy as we travel along our new journey. How can anyone wish to open such a box filled with so much pain, hurt, sorrow and suffering.
Thinking back to the story of Pandora’s box there is another, more modern, interruption of this story in Greek Mythology is that the box of Pandora contained blessings to bestowed upon humanity and the world. The idea of hope remaining was thought to have meant to be promising to bestow on each of us good things that have gone away. For me now on my current journey as a widow and solo mama and my babies in this more modern interruption of Pandora’s box here is lies the key for our new journey we now travel. There may be a lesson that I can take away from this story in the Mythology of the Greeks that can enlighten, teach me as a widow and solo mama that I can strive to learn from. In my striving to travel this journey and learn as I go maybe I can teach my babies how to travel their own new journey. Could it be that admits all the loss, grief, sorrow, sadness hurt, pain, misery, heart brokenness, and darkness that fill our hearts that I and in turn my babies are to seek and search out what remains in the pandoras boxes of our hearts hope and the promised found in having hope. For me most instances and moments I feel as i will never see the end of darkness. For me it seems most impossible and that the light given by hope is hidden from me and will never to be found again.
As I travel along my new journey maybe somehow I can have faith and belief that I can cling to hope to sustain me and see me through the constant swirling, whirling crashing destructive, devastateting waves of my loss, grief, sorrow, sadness hurt, pain, misery, heart brokenness, and darkness and that I will be found standing firm, steadfast and not dashed, pulled under only to drown. Maybe if can do that to steady me maybe I can find my way through this and withstand this storm. Through my own striving to cling to the hope in my own pandora box of my heart maybe I can demonstrate, help and teach my precious babies to find hope, cling to hope and seek the light that hope brings and shines to guides on our journey we now travel. May I always look to find the hope, and define what hope means to me no matter how much it may be hidden from me and no matter how and long I have to peruse the hope that is still my pandora box of my heart. May I remember never to give up and always seek and find hope no matter how long I must search and no matter how weary I may be form traveling this journey. I must not subcome to the overwhelming destructive darkness of this journey for I must seek out the light of hope to guide me as I travel this new journey for my and babies sake we travel this journey together.