The idea and question of what is enough and what it is to be enough has been a constant and continual unescapable theme, idea and question all through out my own life as long as I can remember. Equally the answer to this question and defining this for me and my life has constantly and continually has eluded me, has been a unsolved mystery, and an undiscovered treasure. There have been a diverse and myriad reasons as to why this idea and question have plagued me and my life While at least in my adult life intelligently I know that this not the truth of my life but emotionally is another matter for I have found unfortunately these two aspects of life often doesn’t concede or match up. In my life this being born into to this world totally blind, although still visually impaired /legally blind, I was healed at 7 months old. I have a had a life time of dealing with my disability that created endless questions as to if I was enough or not. Throughout most of my life while growing up having constant isssues socially and making friends. Then in my first marriage I wonder if i was enough as a wife and woman. Then as I embarked on my journey through motherhood in 2010 and then again in 2013 with the births of my daughter and then son. I have along my journey as a mama have more than I could say and times I count when I wondered and worried obsessively if I was enough as a mom and for my babies. I would be willing to wager a bet that all of us as women and mamas have for sure and thus I’m not along in my wondering and search for the answer to this question of Am I enough.
I mention the areas of my life experience that have created this question of whether or not I’m enough to demonstrate that I absolutely and completely get the need, search and desire to know the answer to this question for I have been facing it my whole life. This is no less the true for me in motherhood for I have found this to be very much relevant and true for me and I think most of us mamas if being honest with ourselves would say yes this has been something we all have had dealt with. I think if I listed all the ways that this question of being enough has influenced me and more so as a mama that could be a book in and of itself. For me I have wondered is how I’m raising, teaching, displacing and training by babies is enough. Am I loving and nourishing my babies enough. Am I treasuring and cherishing my babies well and enough. I struggle with know if I am spending enough time with them and in that the time I spend my babies is enough quality time not just empty quantity of time. Are the choices in make daily in all areas of my motherhood enough of the right and best choices for my daughter and son. As. Mama I wonder am I striking the right balance and keep the balance well enough that is best for my babies and my family. Am I striking the right balance of what my babies and family in relation to what I need. At the end of my journey of being a mama will the tip of my motherhood scale show the right balance and that it and I was in fact enough for my babies and family.
In my new and current journey in life and motherhood this is the newest areas and way that this question haunts me. I thought when I was a mama before while parenting with my partner, my babies daddy and love of my life that this was overwhelming and something to dealt with being a enough or not. Worrying about being enough before is nothing compared to my constant, continual and obsessive fear and worry over now being enough as a solo mommy for my babies. This question as to whether or not I’m enough as a solo parent and a mommy for my babies creates numerous other questions that I desperately seek and search for the answers. After becoming a widow and a solo mom at 38 and loosing my beloved John and my precious babies daddy I have had of face things and aspects of life and motherhood I never thought would be part of my reality, picture and world. I have to wonder if I can do this solo parenting thing and carry it all on my own.
I wonder can I raise a daughter into the women of God she is suppose to be and how to be a loving wife and mother with the unfilled whole of not having her father and living with the missing piece in her heart and life. I wonder even more so with my son how I will raise my son to become the man of God he is suppose be and how to be a loving husband and father with the unfilled whole of not having his father and living with the missing piece of his heart and life. Will what I teach, demonstrate, train and do in my displacing of my babies be enough. The time and the quality of time I have now with my babies is that truly enough now that its just me. I wonder how could it be there is just a much do in the same amount of time limits as before just now there is just one of me to do it and thus it feels so much form because it’s just me now. Will how I nourish, love and care for my babies be enough and now more than ever be enough to compensate for the loss of the love of their father. More than ever will my choices he the right and best ones and will they be enough to carry this family. I feel more times than not that these constant, continual obsessive wondering of my heart and mine are endlessly whirling and whirling that will consume me. At the end of my journey of being a mama no more so as a solo mama will the tip of my motherhood scale show the right balance and that it and I was in fact enough for my babies and family.
I’m the absolute first to admit I don’t have the answers and for sure I don’t know if I’m a enough and I know I’m desperate to know. I may not have the answers I seek but maybe I can learn to find the answer in certain things. My thought process currently is telling that the way for me to help seek the answer to whether or not I’m enough as a solo parent is to similar to what I did in the past in my journey as a mommy. I have discussed this previously in past chapters and books. I have discussed that in my earlier part of my journey as a mama when I was more virginal that as I would learn, grow and discover more as a mama that I would become look to my victories and mommy mountaintop moments to help me remember what I can to and take reassurance in those things and lessons learned whine I was waling through more virginal mommy territory and my mommy valleys. Maybe, even thought it feels that the stakes are incredibly and profoundly higher now and that I feel as I’m a virgin all over agin, I can do the same here as a solo mommy. Maybe I can look to the areas that I feel have gotten right, had courage, and made the right and best choice. For I also keep a list and journal of what I call my new parental positives and a list of what I know admits all the uncertainty I feel daily. When I’m find myself struggling I review my list and journal and that tells me that while I may not know all the answers, have it all figured out or feel certain of much but at least there is examples, proof and evidence of my small, slow and steady progress, growth and ability not just as a mom but now as a mom who is now journeying through most new, unexpected and profoundly uncertainty as a widow and mama solo.
Could it be that with each thing, step and choice no matter how incredibly minuscule or gigantic it may be a move or step in the direction towards gaining more experience, confidence and certainty in my ability and experience as a now a solo mama. Could these things be helping become less virginal as a solo parent. If I reflect on my small or large moments of victory and success on my mommy mountaintop as then maybe that is what will help in my moments in the valleys of my journey as a solo mommy. Is the answer to whether I’m enough or not is it to be found in these new things, steps and choices I make that this the key to carry me along my journey from being virginal and uncertain to a place in my journey of feeling certain, confident, experienced, and now an expert in my journey as solo mommy. If I can take, strength, courage, encouragement, in these tiny or large moments of victory and success then may I will fine the certainty and answers I seek. May I discover the knowledge and belief that yes I am in fact enough for myself, my babies, my family and as a mommy who now travels this journey solo.
May I strive to continue grow, learn and discover more that will lead to being more experienced, certain and confident as solo mommy. May I equally become less virgianal, more experienced and the ultimate expert as a solo parent raising my babes. In my growth, gained knowledge, experience and confidence may I discover that the answer to my question is that yes in fact I’m the expert and that I’m certain that I’ found enough for myself, my babies and family as I continue to travel my journey as a solo parent.