I have no choice in these matters

In all my studies I would say I’m most defiantly a advocate of the idea of choice theory, which stems form Rational Choice Theory, and the profound value of choices in life. In one’s life journey one is faced with constant and countless choices and more choices at every turn. This theory is defined as and based on the idea or framework of that social behavior results from the behavior or actions of the individual actors, thus each individual actor or person is making their own individual decisions or choices. One can be faced with the most insignificant to the most enormous choice. Some our choices in life are and seem minor and of very little importance or consequence but then again there are some choices that are and seems be equally major and of much importance and profound significance that have altering and changes of one’s course in life. I have devoted extensive writing on the topic of choices relevant to my own journey through my motherhood and the choices my babies also have to make. While this is absolutely true and still is true my new, different and unexpected journey in life and as has taught me a most important lesson. Despite life and one’s own life journey having constant and countless choices there are some seen or unseen junctures that one comes to that he or she was absolutely beyond a shadow of a doubt was not given choice in this matter. A persons has come to a point in his or her journey where they had no say or voice and definitely were not consulted about or in the changing course and path of their own life journey. In my own life’s journey I can say this has been a large part of my reality and truth from the very start of being born into a world without my sight and then having to deal with my disability my entire life. I can now say in 2017 this also equally true of my journey through my motherhood.

In April 2017 I was painfully made and reminded of this fact of not being consulted or given a choice in the course my journey would now take. It was in April 2017 that the course of my journey in life and my motherhood was irreversibly, irretrievable and forever changed never to be as it was ever again. It’s as if this life event and my new journey was a storm or storm system of complete destruction that came roaring through and demolishing, crashing and shattering any and everything its path which my life, all my hopes, dreams, desires and my world.
April 4, 2017 at 9:00pm (eastern time) I would find myself to be a widow, solo mommy and now on a new and unexpected journey that I I can absolutely promise you I did not in any way or in no uncertain terms did not ask for nor would I ever.
I did not ask to loose the love of my life. I was not consulted in my babies loosing their daddy. I was asked about becoming a widow and a solo mom who is disabled at 38. I was not given a choice in having to start this new, unfair, unjust, and unexpected journey in my life. I was not asked if I wanted to do this, start this new course of my life’s journey. I was not consulted on how I would feel about these matters. I had no say or input when I found myself thrown into this new course, storm and nightmare of my life’s journey. In that singular moment on April 4, 2017 It was as if and I felt like I had be a victim of life’s highway robbery at gunpoint and life had taken everything I wanted, my hopes, my dreams and held dear. All I could do is stand there and watch as it was happening and came crashing down around me as life just stole and ran away into the night with what was mine never to be had or seen again. I was given no choice about losing the life, reality and world I and my babies had and starting a new journey, life, reality and world without my beloved John and their amazing daddy. Life at times can be as much as like the weather, the seasons and mother nature who no more can be wrangled, reigned in or controlled than the storms of our lives.

Forced to face a life event and circumstance that I didn’t ask for and wasn’t my choice I had and now have to consider what is one to do when dealt a hand in life that was definitely bad luck of the draw and not of my own choosing. I must consider what and where do I go from here now in this new course that I was forced to face and into. If I or any of us are given things we didn’t chose or ask for then how do we have a choice in life as to where we travel. More importantly how do we keep traveling our journey and in doing so what options and choices do we have and that are ours to make. How can we feel as if we have any choices or options when we have been back into a corner by life and feel as if were are completely and absolutely out of control, spinning totally out of orbit and absolutely rendered powerless with no options. In the moment I learned my beloved John’s passing and in endless moments since over the last 18 months I have felt all of this. There is little that I understand and certain of now and especially in the first fresh moments of my new journey. Its most odd to know that in the very same instance you feel you have no choice you must make a choice.

As I have travel my journey as a widow and solo mommy I have been taught that I’m so strong, brave, strong and that I had a choice. I don’t know all about that but what I say is that no I didn’t have a choice. While yes I didn’t choice the change in my course of my journey but also for me it was a choice I had to make or it wasn’t negotiable as whether or not I would what I had to do as a mommy, for my baby and family. It’s foreign to me for the idea that I could had chosen differently regarding what I had to do for my babies and family. How it is possible for one to have no choice but yet within the not having a choice must make choices. The only I can present to try to answer this is now in my new journey its s much the same as it has been my whole life. I wasn’t given a choice to be born blind and deal with a disability my whole life but I did and have to chose what I will do with what I was dealt as journey through life with a disability. Equally I didn’t choice this life event and new reality but I had to and keep having to choose what I will do even though for me it was a choice to be made its just what I had to do and what must be done in my journey.

In times of life and our journeys that we travel as mommies, women and individuals maybe the key to take our control and power back and feeling as if we grounded and balanced and not spinning out of orbit is in being back into the corners of life we seek to discover where we can have options and choices in admits the storms that come that we didn’t choose. In discovering the ways and aspects in which we can have a say or choice as we travel our own journeys may we find the freedom needed to continuing to travel. Could it be that in seeking to find the things I can choice, then choosing them and continuing to do as I continue to travel my new journey as a widow and solo mama that is what it is meant and is to have strength, bravery and courage when backed into the corners of life bye unchanging, raging storms of life. In those moments if I’m found left standing, not dashed on the rocks or washed away by the rising flooding waters of storms in my life then maybe just maybe I can see the choices that are in my path I travel. Just maybe I can find the freedom to keep making the choices I find in my journey so that I can continue travel unhindered, untethered and unentangled by the trappings of life’s storms that come unwanted, uninvited and knocking at my door. May I always and forever strive to seek the choice that are in my path and that i will continually make the choses that are mine and mine alone to choose. May I continually strive to travel my journey in freedom unencumbered by the trapping corners’s of life. In striving to do these things may I be found standing and not dashed upon the rocks and swept away by the rising flooding waters of the the storms of my life. May I be found steadfast, firm, strong, brave, and courageous in the face of my life’s storms so that I may freely continue traveling my journey for myself, my baby and our family.


About Heartfelt Meditations

I am a published author and was published in 2011. My passions in writing involves my journey through motherhood, my faith and my love for America and our history. I live in Louisiana bur am from Texas.
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