I think for most people one of the very worse things is when working at a job and then all the sudden your boss saids oh by the way you are now going to be doing this too and on top of what that person is already doing. There is nothing more overwhelming, stressful, challenging and difficult than to have to play double duty or in some cases triple or even multiple duty beyond double or triple. I mean it’s like there is only so much of one person and only some much to do stuff and have the work be done in. I know me I’m always saying to my babies mommy is only one person and that I’m not an octopus with 8 arms and 5 hands. I mean having to do and pull double duty is just next to impossible to do and actually how reasonable of an exception is it rally to expect of one person when each of is in confined to the limits of only 24 hours in a day. I think everyone feels like this at some point in not majority of the time in our overwhelming crammed full busy lives. I do wonder if the case can be made that this is even more so true for us as women and as mama. In motherhood/ parenthood I’m not sure it there is a word to define. How many duties are done and pulled my mamas/parents all still within the same 24 hour day.
Eight years ago I started my journey as a mama into motherhood and I quickly became aware of my new duties and all the hats I now wore and had to juggle. I mean before becoming a mama my life and most lives before children are pretty much simpler, easier and much less complicated. I mean with less lives to be responsible for there is just less be in charge of and fewer obligations. Do any of us remember what our lives were like before traveling into the journey of motherhood. For me it was just me and my husband we did what we wanted, when we wanted as we pleased. We went about our business living in New Hampshire after we got married. We went to school and he had his military job and duties and we enjoyed our time together always. In June of 2009 his military job become active and full time for the state of New Hampshire that had more to his plate and ours. I was down with school so I worked retail. Things were pretty much freer, less busy, more flexible and we just enjoyed each other and doing life together. Since 2010 and becoming a mama and for the first almost 7 years of being a mama
life for me and my husband was much the same in the sense military, work, school and we always enjoyed our life and time together. The only and many difference is our time was less and our lives were much, much busier with the fullness of being parents to our daughter and then son in 2013. My plate in my days of the life of being a now mama got much fuller, over loaded and busier especially when I was crazy enough to think it was a great idea to add the responsibilities of graduate school to my plate.
In April of 2017 when my life and journey as a mama changed forever in one split second by a major curve ball and plot twist in my and babies lives I realized how naive I had been on so many countless levels. The idea of having to pull double duty as a mama would now and forever be on a whole entirely new playing level. In motherhood parenthood as a single /solo parent I think this aspect of having to do or pull double duty is the absolute most hard, difficult and challenging single aspect of single mothering/parenting. I know for me as I started out on and have been traveling my new journey of being a widow and solo mommy this is without a doubt the hardest, most difficult and challenging thing I’ve had to do and adjust to next to being a widow, the loss of my beloved husband, grieving the loss of him and adjusting to life after losing John. Also as I travel my new journey as a single /solo after losing my beloved John my awareness of all my new and added duties to be pulled on my own as a widow and single/ solo mommy. My new journey has brought an entirely new and completely different definition and level of meaning as to what it is to pull double duty or whatever the term would be to define my new role and all that I now have to do. I guess it could be called or labeled in single/ solo parenting everything duty all the time.
I had asked previously if we remember what our lives looked like before becoming mamas. I do and I know what my life looked like when I was a mama and had the absolute very best partner to do parenting and life with hand in hand side by side in love. I never wanted to journey through life without him. Also I’m more than painfully aware of my life now consist of. I work beyond hard to do what I have to do and keep continuing on with my babies but mine and their live is nothing like what we had with our beloved John and daddy and never will be again. For me as now and forever more a solo parent I do my usual with the kids as I have done for the last eight years the one major difference which is everything is I’m doing it solo on my won with no partner, no husband, no backing, no support of a loving husband or daddy. At the end of my day in the life of a mommy who i now pulling not just double or even triple duty but everything duty all the time after my babies are in bed my beloved John isn’t here. I don’t have hime to say talk about how good or bad this day was, what awesome had or great things happened or have some to listen o my thoughts on any and everything and tell me you got this it will be fine, you doing great my love. He is no longer here to say relax, have drink. Which is way of saying babe you’re fine relax and breathe all is good. Now I just watch my tv either what is scheduled, catch up on DVR or what I would do without Netflix. I try to work on stuff what watching to much tv and unwind and decompress from my days as now solo mama. I try to stay out of my head but that usually is devastating an epic fail and any and everything comes flooding into my brain. It is this time of day when I finished my mommy overwhelming, overloaded plate of everything that I process and obsess over my overwhelming, overloaded, over completed my life’s plate of entangled life spaghetti before I collapse into bed only to start this all over the next day as a solo mama.
As I continue to travel through my journey of solo parenting and continue to adjust to this new aspect of my motherhood I have to wonder how does one keep traveling as solo parent and shoulder or carry this overwhelming extra and new load of doing everything all the time on my own forever more. I mean as I write this my daughter is 8 and my son is 5 so I have good 13 years left until they will be both 21 and 18. This feels as if am I now having to travel and run the longest ever marathon entirely on my own with endless terrain or ground to cover and left to go before reaching the parenting/motherhood finish line. There is much that I wonder, worry and obsess about and feel anxious over. During my days of solo parenting I can’t let myself stop and think about these things but at night as I watch my DVR or Netflix this is when I’m rendered a slave to and are at the mercy of my mental and emotional obsessive entanglements. I’m not here to say I have all the answers and never had them especially now more that ever before but I’m striving and trying to find my way in my new journey as a solo mommy and widow and just in life in general. All I know to do is just continue traveling and as I travel I seek the answers to my endless obsessive questions and entangled plate of spaghetti. I will also strive to do my best and be here always for my babies maybe a solo mama or mommies persons that is all that matters and what counts. Ask me in 13 years when I have ran my marathon of solo parenting and have crossed my finish line of my journey of solo parenting how I think it went what the answers are to this thing we call motherhood/ parenthood and even more so when it’s done solo. Time will only tell may all of us as solo/single parents reach our own finish lines in our own marathons. Let’s agree to run are best race ever and hope to see it through to the end and make to the finish line.