My Daily Double Edge Swords

In life, in philosophy and in theology there is the idea, concept, theory, paradigm of dualistic nature to things and life. There is a sense of duality and there is a belief system of dualism. What does this all really mean well in each to these areas life itself, philosophy and theology the context of dual, duality or dualism have their own definition and point of relevance and the way in which this concept relates to these areas or spheres of thought. To understand what that all means in any sphere or school of thought or area of life one must break this down to its most basic level. Any of these words related to duo, dual, duality, and dualism at it’s very core implies the idea of two, two thoughts, two components, two aspects, two parts, tow characteristics, two sides etc. There is much in life and and many times when it is is said that it can’t just be one thing. Another expression comes to mind is the idea of a double edge sword. I have always thought this meant that a sword with two or double edges could be used both or two ways.

Since beginning to travel through my journey as a solo mommy I come to truly understand what is meant by a double edge sword. Moreover as I continue to travel this journey it seems that every where I turn, look or go I find double edge swords everywhere and that I’m completely surrounded to the point of being trapped by all the double edge swords that are too many to even try to count. It seems that in every aspect of every part of this new journey as a solo mommy there are only double edge swords to be found no matter where I go or turn. Just the idea that I’m breathing and keep doing so and my beloved seems to have a double edge to it never mind everything else. I mean there is a double edge sword in that we are continuing on without him, in the fact that this is now and forever my and my babies realities, life and world. We are all here without him. Everything is tainted and brushed with a brush that gives a hint of a shadow of bitterness even in the sweetest of sweetest moments and things because he is no longer with us to see, know and experience with these moments with us. After April 4, 2017 when my daughter was 6 and almost 8 months and my son was 3 and almost 8 months there will never ever be another second of time that they will have with their Daddy and or I with my beloved John. I know and dread the day that will come that each of our babies can say at that point they will have lived the same amount of time that they had with their daddy that they will now have without him at that point. For my daughter she will be 13 and 4 months and my son will be 7 and 4 months We never ever breathe another second on this east that the breathe we take is taken with John with and besides as we continue to journey in this life.

The list moments that are now forever tainted by this brush that creates the endless double edge swords seems escrueacting painful to the point that I can’t breathe. These profoundly present and prevalence of these double edge swords that are in our lives now is paluaplate and undeniable. There will be never eve be another day that is touched by his presence. I and our babies will never see, hear, feel, touch, hold him again. We will never hear his voice or laugher again. We will never see his smile, his eyes and face again. My babies will never hear I love you and good night babies again or get to say we love you daddy and good night and no more bed time stores with their daddy. This is new reality is equally present in the smallest of moments to the largest and most noticeable moments and days. My son just had his first school field trip and it was m and my dad that went not John not of this is right or feels right yet at the same time my son was happy but it was bittersweet for me and hard. My kids will never had another first day of school with John, never another halloween, never another Veterans day, never another Thanksgiving, never another Christmas with him or get or give another present to or from Him, never another birthday with their daddy or to have their daddy celebrate their birthday. Memorial day will forever have and mean something totally different on a while new level. There will be parties, graduations, other celebrations, mile stones, new chapters and experiences, weddings, hopefully having babies without him and if babies that will never know their grandfather or have memory of him. There is no end to this be the caee and there is no mark to say well that’s done now this is a forever thing and will be with m and babies until we go on our own way to be reunited when we go Home.

I and my babies will live the remaindered of our lives without him, not having John be apart of our lives or us of his and sharing another moment together. With every breathing moment we have and take is a moment filled with another double edge sword of being tainted by the lost of our beloved John and daddy. Seeking the joy in these moments can be found but it is forever tainted and fleeting
by the reality of him being gone from us forever and the reality of our lives without him in our lives. I know the only thing that I and our babies can do is go on continuing to travel this new journey and do our very best with each moment we travel. John would want nothing less or else for us but the truth and knowledge doesn’t change the reality of what it is to live a life without him and striving to continue to travel on. Moreover it doesn’t remove the countless, constant and continual double edge swords we find as we strive to live and travel our new journey of life without him. I think as the widow and solo mommy I know, feel, see, understand and experience the profound depth, weight and burden of these double edge swords more frequently, even constantly and on much more deeper level than do my babies due at this point in their own journey. In away for now maybe that is a hidden blessing but I fear the day that it will no longer be a blessing for them and they will come to the same realization that I have had sea know and will forever have and know. That in and of itself is a double edge sword.
How do I and at some point my babies fight my and their way through these double edge swords that I and they will be surrounded by. I wish at this point in my journey as a widow and solo parent I wish I had the answer. I don’t know how to fight these double edge swords but I do know that all I can to is continue on traveling this journey and striving to do my best for my beloved John and our babies. I guess the best I can hope for is that one that is enough and that in doing so I will find what I seek on my journey as a widow and solo mommy.

 

About Heartfelt Meditations

I am a published author and was published in 2011. My passions in writing involves my journey through motherhood, my faith and my love for America and our history. I live in Louisiana bur am from Texas.
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