In starting journeys or new adventures we often have many questions. We wonder what is going to happen or what we should expect. I think that is the hardest part of starting new things, going on new adventures and journeys is not knowing what to expect. I think that is one of the greatest fears that stops people for experiencing new things in life or starting out on new journeys is the fear of the unknown and uncertainty. It can be most scary not knowing and going into the unknown. I know for me I do much better when I have knowledge, information and plans in place. I don’t do well with not knowing and find it most challenging when I feel as if I’m floundering. Until April of 2017 I felt as if I had learned much along my journey through motherhood and had made much progress in the mommy spectrum form virginal to expert mommy. How all that would change and no longer feel true for me as my journey would have a new plot twist and be forever changed in April of 2017.
There are no better words than what was said in one of the episodes of Daniel Tiger they were talking about traveling somewhere new and they were saying some things are different but some things stay the same. In time where there was and still much uncertainty I knew a few things to be certain. I knew everything had changed and would never be the same. I knew I and my babies were and forever more on a new journey. Also I knew that here now going forward after April 4, 2017 i had absolutely no clue what to expect in this new, unexpected and uncertain journey and I had much to learn as I had to travel on this new and unexpected journey as a widow and solo mommy.
Over the last 19 months and counting of this new journey I have been learning and will continue to learn and see all the ways that things are the same and just how very much things are different. I think back to the first six years of my journey through my motherhood and compare and contrast it to my days in in this new and continual journey as a solo mommy. The ways that things are the same in my days in the life of being a mommy is whether I was parenting with my beloved husband or now as a solo mommy I still have my busy mommy roles and tasks. I still wash clothes, clean, do dishes, prepare meals, mange the bills and social calendar. I still get the babies ready in the morning and handle the bedtime routine. When I had my husband he was military and so many times I, for lack of better term, managed or took care of the home front. I’m still doing, as solo mom, what i did from about 6am oil 7:30 pm when I was married and had my beloved partner. My day form beginning to bedtime is very much the same. In some ways that might be what has made it some what manageable for me to keep doing this day in and day out after loosing my husband. For one thing I don’t have a choice and I’m doing what I have to do. Also though its what I have always done and have done for the six years prior to April 2017. In that respect it felt no different for me at least with regards to that part of my day in my life as a mommy.
Even though there are some areas and ways in which my days are similar to my days in my life before April 4, 2017 there countless and profoundly different ways that my days in my new life that are completely different and forever changed never to be the same again. Yes I’m doing what I have to do and handling the day in and day out as if, at times, I’m still on auto pilot or going through motions. But there is much that is different and that will never be again. After the kids are in bed and my mommy day has come to end it is defeating the difference I notice daily. It is me and me alone now and forever more. The big difference in my daily routine from before and now is the time from about anywhere form 3:30, on a good day, to 6pm ash which impacted our family time we had with John along with the weekends when he wasn’t at drill. Then after the kids in bed there is no we or him and I anymore. I think, even thought there is much the kids feel, notice and experience is that there is no more nightly good night hugs, kisses and I love you form him just simply the loving daily presence of their daddy in their own lives and journey.
Its in these daily moments for me and on the weekends, when my kids are at my parents more times than not, the absence of the presence of my love is felt the most and the deafness is most profound. I’m left to have my thoughts, that I can hold at bay and keep out in my daily life as a mommy, come in as unwelcome guest who prefers to ask forgiveness then permission. I’m a victim that has become chained or enslaved to the my own devices of my mental entanglements of my new reality in my mind as if a plate of spaghetti that can will never unravel. All of this is the result and reminder of my new journey and reality of being a without my beloved John, a widow and solo mommy. The symbolism of all this is the embodiment of the biggest difference in my life in days as a solo mommy now of I’m a solo mommy and widow on my own without my love. This is the biggest and all the difference in my life in my days as a solo mommy and widow.
In our new and unexpected journey as a family whether it’s noticeable to most or not. I and my babies know and feel it daily the profound impact of the differences in our daily lives. In my journey as a widow and solo mommy I have and am trying to make my way through these changes and differences in my own journey, I don’t have all the answers , and there is much I don’t know and that i have to learn but I do know that is a journey I didn’t ask for nor did I want. In most moments it feels as if this is all to much. The only way I know to keep continuing to traveling on this new and unexpected journey is to strive to do my daily life as a solo mommy. I must keep striving to do do my very best for my babies and family. This is what is required of me more than ever before now as a solo mommy but also I know this is what my beloved John would want for me to do. Also this is own way I can honor him and his memory in how i and we live our lives and how I teach our babies to travel their own journey. Life is different and will never be the same but I must as always strive to do my very best for our babies even in this new place and new journey as a widow and solo mommy.