Ever since I can remember I know I wanted to be a mommy. I remember writing a journal to my future babies when I was growing up. At some point in my journey I become aware this might not be possible or at least difficult although until I tried no one knew for sure. At the risk of TMI in the female department my body has never been normal and worked right without the help of birth control. All I know I had a messed up body and wanted to some day have babies. In the world of fertility and infertility which can be a most heart-wrenching and heartbreaking world and journey for countless women and couples which I can’t and have not to imagine or experience. This is a road I never had to travel to much or for to long with not as much difficulty that may have been thought would have been the case for me. If you are reading this and are either having such a journey or had journey like this I’m so beyond truly sorry. For me and my husband we were most fortunately and blessed to have a much smoother road to travel than expected that would lead me to my entrance into my journey into my motherhood in 2010.
In all my years of hoping and dreaming to become a mama and have a family I expected and hoped to enter into the journey of motherhood. I expected and looked forward to having all that came with it and experience all that motherhood involved. As I write these current chapters on my journey as a mommy I have written three other books that discussed, shared, chronicled or documented my own personal journey that I have traveled through my own motherhood from becoming a new, virginal mommy with the birth of my baby girl, then the second and third book on my journey through becoming a mommy of two precious and sweet babies. I never envisioned or thought my journey would had taken me in this new and unexpected direction. I never dreamed in a million years nor did I want to that I would have to come to the knowledge and experience of traveling my journey through motherhood solo and as a widow. This was the new and unexpected turn and plot twist in my own journey and journey as a mommy. I never thought I would be writing this current book on what it is to parent solo.
Okay so life is kind of funny in a way but not really funny and it has been said make plans and see what happens. Life has a most interesting and very sick ironic sense of humor. But trust me I’m not laughing and most not happy about this in the least bit. For better or worse here I am a widow, solo parenting and doing this on my own. One of the first questions that has come in my mind and is one of the ares that gives me much concern and worry is that when did I become mommy and daddy too. I know how and when it happened and believe you me I’m fully and painfully aware. This is a role I didn’t want and didn’t ask for or did I sign up for this when I entered into my journey through motherhood. I’m a woman and I’m not a man obviously and so I how can I do both. I know of and how to be a girl and a woman I am not and know not of what it is to be a man. Yet as a became a mother of the second time in 2013 it was to a beautiful, sweet precious baby boy. Oh shut the front door I’m so screwed aren’t I. It at least feels that way. I don’t know what to do with the role of both mommy and daddy. I wanted and did become a mommy not daddy to boot too.
This absolutely has nothing do do with any preconceived notions or ideas based in the sociological, culture or societal expected or assumed roles of gendered. This is simply put the fears, obsessive worries, concerns and anxiety of a completely new and virginal mama to being a widow, solo parenting and have now to be both mommy and daddy. We all have seen, heard and stories and the research on both sides of this parenting coin. The coin being that one side saying and advocating for the power and strength that can be given to a child/ children form a a single strong parent influence on their life. The other side of this coin is that what we hear are the voices in the societal chorus of what happened when childern are left fatherless or what is said when a child is left fatherless but had a strong male role model who stepped up to feel the void in their lives and what impact that had in their lives. For me I see the merit and validity in both because neither side can be denied the truth in their position and the true stories of testimony they each have to back up their position. Then again seeing and understanding both sides causes for me much conflict and concern. Which is in fact the case in reality and what will be true for my babies in their own lives depending on what our future journey holds whether is for them to not have a father figure again in their lives or if they do have one in their lives down the road.
How do I find my way through this aspect of my journey I am woman and mommy not man and father. How do I carry both and teach my babies both parts of what i needed in their lives. How do I demonstrate and teach my son what it is to be a man and grow into the godly man, husband and father roles that he may have as a man. How do I show my daughter what it is to follow a godly man as a women and wife. How do I show her what it to look for and what it is to have a godly man and husband and father in her life. I fear much and that I in and of myself is inadequate to be able to provide this for them. Moreover in the ways I know to strive to provide this foe my babies what if that is found to fall short of the irreplaceable value of having that lived out for a child on a daily base in their lives. Just thinking and writing this is overwhelming. How do I provide this and and demsotrate this for my babies when I’m only a woman and mama but yet have to be mommy and daddy at the same time. I don’t think there has been any one area of my journey as a mommy/parent that has made me feel so completely and absolutely virginal since becoming a mama then this idea of being a mommy and daddy to my babies.
I wish I had the answers and not feel so lost in this part of my new journey as a solo parent. Being has always been and even more so now the very most important thing to me and job that I have ever had. I always wanted and strived to do my absolute very best and do right by my babies. For me at this point in my journey the stakes seem all that much higher and dire. I can’t not risk failure or not succeeding there is to much riding on me being a successful solo mommy. I have to wonder which side of the parental coin will I ended up on and that will be true for my babies. Anytime people comment or say what kind of job i’m doing a a mommy I say ask me in 16 years when my babies are 21 and 18 and i’m at the end of the main part of my solo parenting marathon. I may not have the answers and still have a lot to figure out I know that the verdict rendered on my parenting and my journey as a solo parent will only be know in time. In the mean time I can only strive to do my very best for my babies and hope that in striving to do that it will render a successful verdict in 16 years. Stay tuned.